This week's been a nonstop string of involuntary YF-related things happening:

Walking through the supermarket, I got a whiff of something incredibly close to how he used to smell (something like detergent mixed with boy-sweat, and his own special something. I always found it intoxicating). It sent me on a downward spiral of remembrance, I almost cried there in the middle os SOCIETY!

Some days later I was chatting with a mutual friend of ours on Facebook (he's my YF's age), and he started reminiscing about the old times, how good it was when we were all together and how much he missed that.

Then my sister was listening for the first time to a song I'd referred to her about a month ago ("Boy Lilikoi", by Jonsi Birgisson). When it was over she took off the headphones and told me how much she'd liked it and "I bet it makes you think of him, huh?"

Some days later I discovered by accident about Benjanim Britten (see: "Peter Grimes! Peter Grimes!" if you don't know)

And last night I had an uncannily realistic dream of my YF, which is strange in itself, because I seldom dream about him, and when I do it tends to be kinda abstract, sort of 'blurred around the edges'. But in this one he was there clearly defined, still boyish and angelic, his voice still melodious, his face so beautiful and haunting. It was like he was actually there, talking to me, smiling, taking me to that 'other place' I'd go to in his presence. It was comforting and blissful. I remember thinking in a state of wonder in the dream: "he's just perfect. how could I ever find anyone else who makes me feel this way?"
And I woke up. I wasn't sad at first. Actually felt great. After all, it felt so REAL, like the last 3 years hadn't happened. I'd been transported by some magical process into the past. The idolized, yearned-for, unresolved past that taints my present, and hinders my future. After a while the initial euphoria went, as much as I tried to hold on to it, I couldn't. The Everyday replaced it gradually and that's when the sense of mourning came back amplified.

I think I'm sure now, that as far as I know, no one new (male of female) will live up to that idolized image of my YF (I mean 'image' because he's changed completely as he's grown, but I can only think of him in terms of what was, and was familiar and precious to me). I've been living with it too long. I can't fall in love with anyone because I don't want to. And that hurts very much, because I don't WANT anyone but him, but I want to be loved by someone I know won't be him. I know that sounds very much like the tantrum-throwing kid who doesn't want the new (whatever the object is), he wants the OLD one, even though he knows it's an impossibility. But that's how I feel.

There have been girls in these last couple years ('women', if you prefer) I liked, who I thought had lots of nice qualities, who would've made outstanding girlfriends, but in the back of my head has always been the "yes, but you know you'll never be able to love her like she probably deserves. who are you kidding?".

It wasn't always like that. Before knowing my YF I was always crazy for one girl or another. Granted, I always looked at boys, too, but it was more 50/50. And there were some girls when I was younger who truly made my heart race. One of them hit me like a ton of bricks on-sight in the 8th grade and the blind adulation didn't stop until I moved away 5 years later.

But then I met my YF and, well, here we are. He changed something so deep within me I still can't figure it out. This lyric from a Sigur Ros song is the closest I can find in words in words (and I've looked!):

Þu reyndir allt Tried everything
Ja, þusundfalt Yes, a thousand times
Upplifir nog Experienced enough
Komin med nog Been through enough
En þad varst þu sem allt But it was you who let everything
Lest i hjarta mer Into my heart
Og þad varst þu sem andann aftur And it was you who once again
Kveiktir inni mer Awoke my spirit

(if you wanna check out the song it's on youtube. "Ara Batur" by Sigur Ros, quite heavenly!)

The problem is: now I can't get rid of him! He's never gonna be back in my life (again, as far as I know), but I can't move on. I keep holding on like a little kid that doesn't wanna let go of his mom's hand. Life's too scary out there, and I'm afraid that I'm afraid. Or something like that.

I don't want to get a girlfriend and pretend all is well and get married, even as I wish I could. I mean, I'd love her, sure, but would it be enough? I never do anything if I'm not 110% in it. And this whould certainly fall short.

Well, this concludes the proverbial "Ach!". I'm scrambled and tired. Need advice from our more seasoned members...