My apologies if my negative attitude is a bother for anyone but I need to vent...

Lately all I've wanted to do is die, but unfortunately I have a few things holding me back such as my family because I just don't want to cause them grief.

Being a BL feels like torture, sometimes I forget how hurtful it is when I don't leave my house for months, in the absence of any boys I feel like I have no sexuality, I feel like a person plucked from this earth and dropped onto an a foreign alien planet where boys don't exist thus making my sexuality obsolete and instead I just feel a constant emptiness...

But then it just takes one cute boy I happen to cross paths with outside and then suddenly his presence is like the missing peace of the puzzle from my heart, soul and life, it triggers up all these emotions which quickly becomes apparent that I will never get to experience any of it to its full glory, then finally all I'm left is that feeling like I just want to die.

The only purpose of my existence feels like I am just a vessel that has been given the ability to appreciate boys but it offers me nothing positive, it only condemns me to this celibate life lacking intimacy, romantic relationship and romantic love.

I feel like I am surrounded by couples wherever I look and they have been given the opportunity to indulge in love as they please and I feel jealous and bitter at my fate, I wish I wasn't a BL more than anything. I deeply yearn for what they have but the realization that I will never be able to have it is the most hurtful feeling ever.