why I told my pastor I'm a boylover
Submitted by ken on August 19 2000 02:20:20
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Wow, it's so encouraging to read all your posts here. I'm glad I came back. :) Thanks for all your comments. :) Hmm, it's been a while since I thought about when I first told some people about being a bl. lesse... The first person I told was my mom, and my dad was standing nearby. This was before I was Christian. I was fed up with them, with most of life in general. I was hoping they'd kick me out of the house so I'd have an excuse to leave. I was 18, I think. Unfortunately, my plan didn't work. They didn't get mad... My mom's first comment was "are you sure?" and she kept that attitude of disbelief for about a week. Eventually, I guess, she started to understand. Beyond that, she was supportive. Since then she'll occasionally clip stories from the newspaper about man/boy crimes or other stories, and once she gave me a calendar that had a picture of an adorable boy on the front. Anyway, I think I've grown much closer to my parents because of that. It wasn't long after that I became a Christian and started telling other people. I actually told a couple of my Christian friends before I became Christian myself... well, I told them "I'm gay". I guess I was testing them. After I got saved, I came across biblical passages encouraging openness and so forth, so I talked to people more about it as time went on. I never actually came out and said "I'm a boylover", I simply dropped subtle hints like "yeah, I'm gay, and I tend to be more attracted to people maybe a little younger than me". It didn't really come out until one day when I arranged to meet with my pastor to talk about it and he brought a friend of his along, another member of my Church. He came out and told me that he was attracted primarily to young teen boys, and asked if I was "the same way". At that point, of course, it was easy to be open. Everyone I talked to about it in my church has been very accepting. Only one (guess which one), to this day, understands, but they're all open to trying to understand. I've told about 6 people, I think. A pastor, a staff member, and four peers. I often regret having told anyone. Now that they know, there's no going back. If ever I wanted to give up my salvation, drop Christianity, and go rape a kid for the fun of it (yeah, right) there'd be no chance of my getting away with it. I guess that's a good thing. On the other hand, I sometimes worry about what would happen if I was wrongly accused of having illegal relations with a boy. Would they stand behind me in defense, or would they testify that I have a predisposition to child molestation? It's a great exercise in faith and trust... I recently saw that Esther Dyson wrote "openness breeds truth" or something to that effect. My experience definitely goes along with that. Having been open about my boylove once, there's no hiding it now. I can't imagine pulling out now without leaving an awful mess for myself in the future. I have no choice but to continue being open with my life and trusting the individuals I've shared this secret with. Sometimes I feel like leaving my church, cuz I just get fed up with them... but where would I go? I can't imagine a better church. I wish all of you could esperience the same love, trust, and desire to help me grow in my spirituality that comes from the people in this church. It's, in my opinion, what Christianity was meant to be. There's very few churches that you can compare to the "first" church (Acts 1:14, 2:42-46, etc.), but this is the nearest I've ever seen. The unity, faith, excitement, and commitment among these believers is amazing. I continually pray that we will be able to have the same beliefs and convictions about homosexuality and boylove. Oh! BTW, I came up with one possible explanation which sortof addresses the question my minister proposed earlier: What needs of mine are filled by hanging around boys? Now, as I imagine you'd agree, most of the joy about being around a boy has nothing to do with sex. It's simply wonderful to see the joy, purity, curiousity, energy, etc. of a boy. I love even more the times when I'm a part of such things in a boy's life. For me, the sexual desires are a frustrating and annoying thing that happens sometimes, but it's not at all a driving force in what I choose to do. In light of that, my possible explanation for why I am "this way" goes like this: 1) I'm overly sexual. I have a tendency to drift to thoughts of sex whenever my mind is not otherwise occupied. 2) I love being around kids. I think everyone does, to some extent, and there's certainly nothing wrong with it regardless. In fact, by Jesus' example (Thanks David!), it's quite a Godly love to have. 3) I'm insecure about relationships with females, for numerous reasons (I won't get into that now, sorry)... Put all those together, and what do you get? A boylover! My love for boys is distorted in my mind by my sexual thoughts, simply because to some extent everything is sexual to me. Why not girls? They're scarey. I might be accused of hitting on a girl if I talk to her. Boys are just more fun, too... but you knew that. :) Well, there you go. |
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