It’s getting hard to breath. (intro, long, X BC)
Submitted by Nate on July 21 2001 06:20:28
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I posted this on BC today. phi suggested I try here. I hope it is appropriate. It’s getting hard to breath. These past few weeks, I feel like there is not enough oxygen in the air. I’ve lost my appetite too – and I used to love to eat. Exiled – in a prison of my own making…here in the Land of Ugly Children. Slowly, I am drying out – and my life force is slipping away. I haven’t got any real work done in months – though my client hasn’t caught on yet. I just can’t remember what I live for, what my life stands for – anymore. Somebody tell me that I did the right thing – I know I did the “right” thing. Hi! My name is Nate. Well, not really. Nate is a boy I loved years ago. And he loved me, and offered himself to me…and I betrayed him, because I was afraid of myself. I seem to have a habit of doing that. I mean, doing the right thing. Now I fear I’ve done it too well. I am not complaining. As I read the posts in Boy Chat last night, I realized that I have been blessed. Over the course of my life, there have been hundreds of boys that I have had the privilege to love and to care for…and there are a few dozen notches on my belt. No. Those are for the boys that I know have grown because of their relationship with me. The ones that would tell you themselves, “Nate helped me.” Some I stood with as we fought dragons. Some I belayed as they walked along the Cliff of Self-Destruction. One has been lost. For the ten years I worked as a Scout leader, and several years as a residential counselor, I lived a boy-lovers dream – and I DIDN’T KNOW IT! I was simply doing what I had to do, what I was gifted to do. I had not yet realized that I was the Enemy - that I had the potential to do great harm and should not be allowed to be near them. It was almost ten years ago that I moved from the West Coast out here to the Back Side of the Desert. I came to my ancestral home, my grandparents’ farm. I came searching for something – something deeper. Through much soul-searching, I had decided that two things were important in my life: relationship with God, and relationship with people. I came looking – and I found it! And now I have lost it. Yes, I am Christian, and my relationship with God is a very large part of who I am. Please – if you can – pause before applying your stereotypes to me, you know how much you hate it when others do that to you. I know my brothers have hurt you, and I apologize for their critical treatment of you. They have not always operated in the love and restoration that Jesus teaches. Remember that I too – like you – have been touched with the gift – the mark of the Wounded Healer. Anyway, my current situation began to develop when 2of4 began to fall for me. See I told you I was blessed. I am sorry guys – I don’t know what to say – this stuff just happens to me! 2of4 is the second boy in a family with 7 beautiful children who became great friends of mine. 4 of them are boys, spaced three to five years apart. I met 1of4 when he was 12 - soon after I came here - and for nearly 9 years I have not been without a bright, energetic and adorable young companion as each boy grew old enough to build a friendship with me and to insist upon his own private times with me. We worked together, played together, and hung out - sometime in groups, but mostly one-on-one. There were backpacking trips, day trips, and lots of sleepovers. Sometime I will have to tell you all about it. Anyway…. 2of4 was 12 by this time. I was involved in leadership in our local church and being groomed for something bigger – probably a pastorate in one of the new churches we were about to plant. I knew that I was called to be here, supporting this growing ministry - other people told me that I was called to be here, and going further with God. This was it - the purpose that I had been looking for. At last, I would be able to really help people in their lives. When 2of4 began to lose his learned self-consciousness and believe that I truly accepted him for who he was, he blossomed. Oh, was he gorgeous! He also let me know that he trusted me completely. Then he began leading me, taking our intimacy level deeper, step by step. I didn’t know what to do. The temptation was too much for me to withstand, so I did the right thing. I confessed my sin to my church leadership. First thing, they insisted that I cut off all relationship with 2of4. I tried. I couldn’t do it! There was no way that I could hurt this sensitive kid who had opened up his life to another for the first time! So I started weaning him away. You understand…they didn’t. Quickly, all of my responsibilities in the church were reassigned to others. I was fired from the part-time bookkeeping position. And though nobody had said anything to anybody, all of my friends quit calling and stopped talking to me. (Please understand that I do not want you to take sides in this. My side is with them: I love these people, pray for them every day, and hope for restoration. This story is about me. I am hoping that you can understand my loss, and the emptiness I feel.) It has been five years …living under a cloud of shame, knowing that on every block of this small town there are eyes following me, reporting my movements. My time with 3of4 has come and gone. Oh 3of4, what a noble young man! All boy - Atrayu in the flesh. I wish I could have walked proudly with him by my side, instead of sneaking him home after dark, and never taking him out in public. Our relationship has been deeper, more joyful, and more painful than the rest. You are wondering why the boys parents would allow so much contact with a single man. Surely no one has told them anything too. Yes, they have been warned about me. But they have seen the effect. They have told me. When I met them, their house was a battle zone. Today, they like each other. Is that all because of me? Naw. But they do appreciate my love for each of them, and they trust me. Besides, nothing bad has ever happened. It’s only rumors. Do I deserve this kind of love? Now 4of4 has been asking to spend time with me. Oh! He is 10, now. Sandy blond hair, sparkling blue eyes, a song in his voice – a confident young man, curious, wise beyond his years. He is romantic: all he wants is dinner with good conversation, and a movie with lots of snuggling! And he trusts me completely – with advice, with instruction, with his body…. He won’t even wrestle with me! He would rather let me do whatever to him. And this takes it over the top: 4of4 has been masturbating since he was 8, and he wants to learn more about the physical stuff! Oh God! I am a disciplined man, but sheesh! (Hi Sheesh!) And now I have no support system at all. And worse, I fear that the loneliness and isolation of the past five years is turning me into the animal that they say I am. Awww! Please somebody help me! So I get a phone call. A meeting. Removed from my last church activity – building the website. And the pastor sits me down in his office. Last chance. If I cut off all contact with boys, he will not go public with what he knows about me. I am obeying. In the natural I can see no hope that things will be restored and I will be allowed to fulfill my calling here – yet I know that my God can turn this around in a moment. Meanwhile, here I sit, in a train wreck of my own design, in a prison without walls, under house arrest for the crime of doing the right thing. And the air is being slowly sucked out. |
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