Guilt and BL
Submitted by Ender3306 on November 16 2001 21:47:19
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Hi guys, I believe this is officially my first post on this board. I'm a friend of HuckFinn. I'm posting here because I wanted to get to know this board a little bit better, and more specifically, because I had a question that has been bothering me for quite some time. I'm currently enjoying the positive benifits of a number of healthy relationships with boys in my life. While my relationships at college are not going quite as well, there is definite hope that things are going to be ok. I guess what I'm saying is that they could be a lot worse. In any case, I find myself unable to shake the guilt I feel about being attracted to my current YF. He's a 10 year old from a really nice Christian family a couple towns away from where I live. (but 4 hours away from where I attend college) I'd never hurt him, and he means the world to me. But we do kiss on occasion.. this was something that both of us sort of initiated, as he is a very affectionate kid, and it goes without saying we both enjoy spending time with each other. I feel like I'm doing something wrong though by interacting with him in this way... its so funny, because I'm been on BC for a while and in general people's opinions on what is appropriate to do with a boy would be rather liberal. I feel like this might get a different response on this forum, and I also feel like I need a change of scenery - I could never hurt this boy, and I feel like doing anything overtly sexual with him, even if he was "ok with it", would clearly not be ok. But here's the problem - even though I'm doing nothing other than an occasional kiss, I still feel so guilty. And I don't WANT to feel guilty.. I just want to be with him and enjoy it - it seems like there are tens of thousand of things more to worry about than kissing a 10 year old every once in a while - and yet its eating away at me, and I want it to stop. For better or for worse I'm a BL... I know that for sure. I have these feelings.. the question is weather they are right or wrong, in society's eyes, in god's eyes, in my OWN eyes. How can I reconcile this confusion? For those of you who are put off by the heavy tone of the above 3 paragraphs, I'd like to let you know that he has the most beautiful blue eyes and lightest blond hair in the world, and a smile that makes me melt inside :) I don't know for sure yet if this forum is a home for me, but I guess you could say that I'm cautiously optimistic. I don't think I'll ever truly be done finding myself, but I can't stop looking now... - Ender |
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