just wanted to share my feelings
Submitted by tigris on December 19 2001 19:19:09
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I had one of my little guys over tonight (he's 11). He stayed for a couple of hours. This area of my life has been a big source of conflict in me lately. I feel (as some of my posts reveal) that this BL in me has been a source of almost idolatry. I was thinking about my little guys all the time, and always wanting to be with them, the one in particular. I worry about this kid all the time. I think that I am more concerned about him than his parents sometimes. I see him making bad choices now, and his don't notice and don't seem to care. Anyway, when he's here, I usually am totally consumed with him. I am with him all the time, whether we're watching a movie or just playing around or whatever. Tonight, though, I didn't really seem to want to be with him. I was up doing my own thing at times and he was just off doing his own thing. I don't really know why that was. I keep comparing our relationship to sort of like a dating relationship. I know I'm not dating him, but just some of my feelings for him I think are similar to the love that people feel for their boyfriend/girlfriend. And no, it's not reallly all that sexual that I'm feeling. It's just that unconditional love, and the feeling that the person completes you. That kind of feeling. Anyway, is it normal for dating couples to go through sort of a dry spell? When they don't really always want to spend every minute together? Is it typical to get to the point where you feel like you just need some time away for a while? I see this kid a lot. I'm normally sad to see him go home. Tonight, I was kind of looking forward to the break. This surprises me. I see God convicting me to move me away from this obsession. I see him opening the doors for me to ease my way out. But this scares me at the same time. I am scared that if I do in fact release this kid back to God, that I will have nothing any more. This kid has been what has kept me going sometimes. I am fairly new to this area and don't have many friends here. This kid has been helping meet my social needs too. I am way too dependent on him. I feel kind of stupid that I feel this way, but when I am totally honest, this is the truth. My life seems to revolve around him. Everything I do is centered around him. I think about him all the time. I am just obsessed and I know it. It scares me to know that I am this obsessed, but I am just as scared to think of my life without him in it. Wow, there's a profound thought. I never really thought of it that way before. I'm scared to be with him and I'm scared to be away from him. I can't win, it seems. I don't know what I am expecting in response to this message. I just think that it helps to know that people are out there who can sympathize with me and understand what I'm going through. It really helps to put this out into writing too. It helps me process what I'm really feeling. Does any of my story sound at all similar to anything you all have gone through? Can you let me know that you're there and understand? feeling alone again, tigris |
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