Paradigms
Submitted by Mark on October 31 1999 at 21:55:56
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What is BL? What kind of language should we use when discussing it? The way we BLers and others feel about ourselves, the way we deal with our sexuality, and the way others react to it, all depend on how we and others see our sexual orientation--the "paradigm" we use. For example, when Val. calls our orientation a "demon within us" and is discouraged by what he reads about it, it's because his understanding (and that of others' whose literature he reads) is based on a particular view that may not be correct. I can think of at least five paradigms that could be used to try to understand BL. (1) Tendency toward sin According to this view, BLers have a particularly insidious weakness toward sin: perverted sexual feelings toward boys and a desire or tendency to molest them. The language used in this case is that of "lust", "selfishness", and "sexual immorality". The implications of this paradigm are that we must pray intensely and frequently that God will help us to overcome our terrible lusts. We must stay strictly away from temptation; that is, boys. This implies we are inferior to other people, because it means there is something innately defective and immoral at the core of our being, something worse and scarier than in most people, something that makes us inherently less trustworthy and that prevents us from participating fully in the life of the church. It is based on the assumption that our feelings are more "lustful" and "selfish" than straight peoples', simply because they are for boys instead of women. I believe this paradigm is too pessimistic and that it borders on superstition, but not nearly so much as the next one. (2) Demon possession One would think that few people today would believe in demon possession. But based on the language society uses to describe us, it becomes apparent that most of the public subscribes to this paradigm. The possibility that we could be responsible and celibate is not recognized. We are not human, but rather monsters incapable of controlling our desires. We are "predators," we are "depraved", we have "insatiable appetites for sex with children", and we "lure innocent children into our clutches". According to this paradigm, there is no choice but to lock us up for life, castrate us, or kill us. (3) Mental illness According to one version of this paradigm, we need therapy to eliminate our "obsessive fantasies and desires." Another version sees BL as an addiction. Like the alcoholic, we will always have this disease, and we must stay away from children in the same way that the alcoholic must stay away from alcohol. This is not very optimistic, because we will always be looked at as diseased or disordered, and considered less able to be contributing members of society. While this is the view that society and the medical/mental health community claims to accept, their words and actions reveal that they really don't. In the case of real mental illness, health care professionals advocate compassion and the elimination of stigma. They promote scientific research into causes, characteristics, and treatment. They disseminate information about the illness to those who have it, their families, their caregivers, and the general public. They make treatment and information available and accessible. As far as I know, no efforts of this kind have ever been made with regard to sexual orientation toward children or adolescents. The American Psychiatric Association (APA) claims it develops objective terminology and disseminates scientific information so that researchers and practitioners can exchange knowledge about diagnosis and treatment. However, what I have seen coming from the APA on sexual attraction to children or adolescents is not based on any clearly defined terminology or scientific facts. It reads more like a description of demon possession. Some psychiatric institutions provide treatments that sound like they come out of medieval times: chemical castration and aversive therapy--showing subj ects pictures of naked children while measuring their erections and administering electic shock or noxious smells (such as urine) until the erections stop. In reality, society and the psychiatric community sees us as demon possessed, not mentally ill. (4) Disability I have never heard anyone promote this paradigm, but it seems like a reasonable one. Just like some people have some physical disability that prevents them from walking, maybe we have a disability that causes us to desire romantic relationships with children or adolescents instead of adults. This would be a more optimistic paradigm, because society usually tries to integrate people with disabilities and help them live productive lives. (5) Variation According to this paradigm, people vary in sexual orientation in the same way they vary in various physical, personality, and cognitive characteristics. People don't have control over their orientation any more than they can control their height or natural hair color. Such variation is a fact of nature. This is the paradigm that most self-accepting gays and lesbians use, and the one I subscribe to. I feel this way because about a year and a half ago, I had just read on the internet about the tremendous variety in people's sexual orientations and their experiences and realization of those orientations. While thinking about this variety, I suddenly felt the presence of God telling me that this variety is part of how he created us, just like the variation that occurs in all other human characteristics. "Does the pot ask the potter why he created him that way?" No wonder, as the APA admits, therapy rarely changes orientation, whether it be gay or BL. It all seemed so clear and obvious to me, and I felt tremendous peace and acceptance. The scripture that says, "The truth shall set you free," suddenly had new meaning for me. I experienced a "paradigm shift." Here is how I know that my emotional/sexual feelings for boys are qualitatively not inferior to the feelings that straight men have for women. Even though I have sexual feelings for some boys, I want never to hurt them in any way, in the same way a straight man would not want to hurt women even though he has sexual feelings for some of them. I could never coerce, pressure, or manipulate a boy to have sex with me. My sexual feelings are no more obsessive or uncontrollable than any straight person's. Like a man's feelings for women, my feelings for boys involve much more than the sexual. I love interacting with boys; they energize me. I would like to care for a boy, spend time with him, talk with him, play with him, support him--to love him. Keeping me away from boys makes as much sense to me as keeping a straight man away from women. I believe that whether a person is dangerous or not is dependent on their character as evidenced by their actions, not on their orientation. Character is independent of orientation. Straight men who rape women are dangerous, and men who are attracted to boys and molest them are dangerous. Both should be punished, and kept away from their potential victims afterward if they cannot control themselves. However, straight men who do not rape or harass women can be trusted with them, and BLers who do not molest can be trusted with boys. I believe that it is this last paradigm that can give us hope: hope for young people who are realizing that they are BLers and are feeling intense shame and self-revulsion for a characteristic that they did not choose to have. Hope for those who think their only destiny is to live in loneliness and without love. Even hope for those who think the only way to express their orientation is to be a child-molestor. Hope that we, like straight people, can find ways of showing our love responsibly. Of course, the difference between BLers and straight people is that the latter have a socially acceptable way to have sex, and we do not. But I am perfectly happy to remain celibate in order to have loving relationships with boys. Love is much more important than sex. The only way we can give each other hope is to discuss sexuality rationally. I believe this discussion must involve BLers and non-BLers. That is why I so strongly believe in the need for non-BLers at this board. Discussion and understanding will be improved when we are conscious of the paradigms we are using. Unfortunately, rational discussion in society at large, or with the mental health profession, will not happen as long as they believe we are demon possessed. Mark |