After a little while sitting in a dark corner doing some research, I've - honestly came to realize what it is I'm fighting with here. I've been 'addicted' to pornography (totally legal) for - years now. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't view it - and along with it - masturbation. Which is number two on the list - I honestly believe I've become dependent on the chemical releases that masturbation can offer. Literally, times I feel like I'd go insane if I couldn't do it. And thirdly, I'm addicted to sex. Period. Where that all may seem the same - it is not. I guess some of the biggest mysteries in my life involve my sexual encounters as a child; and I believe the pornography is an attempt to relive those moments, immerse myself into it, for example: scheming - putting my face on that body and pretending this is that person and so on and so on. And masturbation to get caught up in the moment, and relive the feeling. I don't know - this is all just a theory. The cycle can be broken with pornography. I still think about those days, as a kid - and there are times where I look at a boy, and think that -I'm- a boy or something. I've lusted over kids my age, kids years younger, kids at the age where I had my first sexual encounters - I don't know why. But - I would never do that. I would never take part in those kind of events. It's difficult to explain, and maybe boring. But if I can't be the boy with the other boys, I don't really want it. Jesus, I don't know what I'm saying. Sigh. Anywho - I've come up with the idea to try and convince a therapist to treat me for free, because obviously, I don't have any money. And - also theoretically I'm guessing God wants me to get my head on strait before I'll ever get a job. And I'm considering getting rid of my computer. My ipod - anything that can get ahold of porn. Just getting rid of it until I get it right. I've tried blocks, but my damn electronics mess up so much - I end up reseting them more then once a year - hence breaking those blocks - and of course I don't want to loose what I'm addicted to. I don't know - but I've NEVER been able to give up my computer before - and here I am planning on it. I can only hope that God will have some fucking mercy on me. Heal me, I guess. I've never stopped believing, and I've never lost my anger towards God in so many ways. But I know I have plenty on my plate without screaming at God all day. I have nothing else but my computer, and my ipod - but they both give me what my flesh des- you know what, let's cut the bible crap. Outside God, outisde organized religion (which I do not refer to as christianity) addicted to my past mistakes, porn, masturbation IS NO WAY for anyone to live. If I give this up - I will be stuck at home 24/7 with basically nothing to do. I keep sacrificing, I'm wondering when enough will be enough. I've got to do something, my brother is overseas fighting to keep us safe here in the US. If I loose him in my current state - I really don't know. Honestly. Something must be done. I'm willing to give up everything, and I'm willing to do the therapy, the work, whatever it takes.