I cannot continue this way.

Christian Boylove Forum

I cannot continue this way.

Submitted by The Continental on June 30 2001 13:26:41

No, I'm not saying I want to end my life but it would be such a release at this point I'm really on the edge for the first time. I've never even considered this before.

I'm tired of lies and deceit. Everyone is caring on the outside but when it comes down to the real test they run like mice and disappear. Don't they realize how easy it is to hurt me? I feel like a glass figurine on the edge of the table with an earthquake pending.
I'm the one who is always strong for others. I'm the one who always listens and cares. I'm the one who opens my heart and home to those when they need it. I don't understand why I'm like that, I just am.

I've always thought it was my mission or assignment in life to go without and to give to others without expectations of any kind. Yet everytime I feel I'm doing the right thing I catch myself expecting something in return. I guess I'm not as strong as I thought I was.
If this is true then how am I supposed to feel justified with what I give? It is wrong to give and then expect to receive, least that is how I believe things should be. I have so many bad feelings when this happens and it kills me day by day.

I'm so filled with disappointment in myself and unfortunately with others now that I'm wondering if I'll ever pull away from this. I'm scared that it will continue until something breaks and it just might be me.
I have no one that is interested in even starting to listen to what I feel. I've tried to start at various times only to be cut off by a problem of theirs. I think that is very unfair. I think it is wrong to think that way. Will I ever have peace?

I'm so alone now even while there are people in the house. People that I want to share with so they can learn about me yet they shun each attempt I try to make. Why is this? Are they selfish? Do they care? Will I ever know?

I'm questioning everything I've ever thought was right in the world. I'm tired and alone as usual with no end in sight. An endless ladder to climb with no destination in sight. I want to know where the end is.

I am so tired.

Follow ups:

Hugs - Forgotten_II July 6 2001 04:13:26 (0)
Re: I cannot continue this way. - Elfboy July 6 2001 01:21:19 (1)
- Thank you Elfboy. - The Continental July 7 2001 10:41:37 (0)
Re: I cannot continue this way. - GCFboi2 July 4 2001 16:38:05 (1)
- Re: I cannot continue this way. - GCFboi2 July 4 2001 16:49:19 (0)
Re: I cannot continue this way. - Ben July 3 2001 22:20:26 (1)
- Now that is real close! - The Continental July 4 2001 00:33:00 (0)
Re: I cannot continue this way. - John Doe July 2 2001 11:21:21 (0)
Confessions - The Continental July 2 2001 00:29:03 (1)
- Re: Confessions - F.O.D. July 2 2001 10:00:43 (0)
Re: I cannot continue this way. - Andy July 1 2001 16:15:36 (2)
- Push!!... - Andy July 1 2001 17:25:07 (1)
  - Not 100% convinced - Forgiven July 1 2001 19:04:59 (0)
Then change! We don't have to remain unhappy - Bach July 1 2001 08:13:33 (2)
- This *is* what I've been told to do. - The Continental July 1 2001 13:53:16 (1)
  - Suffering for the sake of others - Bach July 1 2001 17:58:18 (0)

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