What makes me tick
Submitted by Ben on February 2 2002 07:33:03
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One of the most discouraging realizations that I have come to recently is the fact that everything that has ever motivated me in life involved boys. When I was a teenager I was in great shape. The reason that I was in great shape was because I went to the gym so often and this was because my gym was part of a larger health club that had a pool and boys running around all of the time. I worked out all of the time because I wanted to be around the boys and to look good around them. As an adult, I have become very motivated by money and have been making a very comfortable living. The motivation for this has been so that I can vacation in places where there are cute boys on the beach, the slopes (not to mention the hotel pool), etc. Even my ability to relate to and work with boys was motivated by my ongoing desire to be around them and to make them like me. I am not saying that any of these outcomes back been bad. There is nothing wrong with being in shape, earning a good living, or impacting the lives of boys. The reality however is this: As I work on understanding my lust and idolatry of boys, as I come to understand my addiction to fantasy and masturbation, I have come to realize that my motivation in life to do just about anything is on the chopping block. What I am left with is actually a lazy, unmotivated person who can barely get out of bed in the morning. Yesterday I had a business meeting outside of my office. Instead of going back to the office as I should have, I went home and surfed the net for the rest of the afternoon. I could barely push myself enough to get off the net and read a book instead for the last few hours. I went to be at 8PM and slept for 10 hours. While other men wake up to their screaming babies or hungry kids, I woke up to nothing. My day is mine and I could impact noone all day long and nobody would know. Maybe nobody would care. Because I have built my life on my desires and that is all that makes me tick. I am wondering if anyone can relate to this and more wondering if anyone can offer any advice. You are not alone. Love, Ben |
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