What's with this? (long, but heartfelt...)
Submitted by Jeremy on February 01 1999 at 12:14:12
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Hello all, I just got back from the old college retreat and have some lingering reflections that I can’t talk about with anyone but this forum... so here goes. Ever since I discovered this site (about a month ago), I’ve re-introduced the idea into my life that perhaps God intends me to remain a boylover and a Christian, and that perhaps those two things can co-exist with the same dysfunctional harmony that all of my other abhorations (ie. perpensity to sin) cause. This idea is contrary to how I've felt in the past. I’ve been praying much over the last couple of years, as I’ve gradually come closer to Christ, for ‘the change’ to occur in me. I do not want to bear this cross of pedophilia/boylove. I was blessed/cursed with a busy imagination as a child, and I clearly remember as a youngin’ (5 or 6) having fantasies that centered around girls. Around 7 or 8, they switched to include boys for various reasons (I could go on about the factors, I think there are many). And from then on, I grew to only fantasize about boys. I thought I was just gay until about 14 or so when I realized to my extreme horror that I was only attracted to the younger-looking of my male contemporaries. Anyway, the moral of that story: looking back (I am in my early twenties now (yeah I know not very much age to look back with, but it’s all I got)), I can see how the factors that switched my attraction to boys could all be explained as various manifestations of our fallen world. And that would mean that my condition is a result (or consequence even) of humanity’s rebellion, and not the will of God. The logical (and I’m really not a logical person, which is why I have so much trouble accepting this answer) response to this understanding is that Jesus can give me victory over this unfortunate result of my own and humanity’s deficiencies. That reasoning is the foundation of my prayers for change. And there were signs this past fall that perhaps change had arrived. I was sort of seeing a girl briefly, and I found myself moderately (extremely moderately, but more so than in the past) attracted to her physically. I was more than moderately attracted to her personality-- she’s a rare person. I soon realized however that I was fooling myself a bit, and what was keeping me interested in the relationship the most was the prospect of marriage to this girl (who would be a ‘cool’ wife, very acceptable to society <---- another of my abhorations: a yearning for societal acceptance) and, yes, having kids and a son of my own... then I feel so freakin’ stupid :-<... I was decieved: it was all about boyness again. I stopped seeing her. It was discouraging to discover my possible psycho-sub-conscious motives for this relationship, and I spent winter vacation questioning God. If He was there, what did He really have in store for me? Anyway, the Man has since made it clear that He is indeed there pulling the levers and pushing the buttons of my life, yet what my future holds is still a point of contention between us. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about love, and in particular the love portion of boylove. I really identify with the sand/rock foundation parable. I’m at a point in my relationship with the Lord where there isn’t much left of the ‘sand’-esque or temporary things I filled my life up with before. Oh, there is plenty of work to do, yet it seems I’m down to some of the more fundamental issues of humanity. Love has just seemed lately to fall more towards the ‘rock’ side of things-- a foundational entity, something eternal to build on. Yes, falling in love emotionally in my life has meant nothing but anquish and silent suffering, but there is so much life in love as well. Beautifully, my dog teaches me this, and my parents and friends, etc... could I possibly be able to focus on the love half of boylove and create an existence that operated constructively in love? Could I bear fruit that was pleasing in the eyes of God by utilizing this very developed love for boys that I carry? These have been the thoughts on my mind since reading of the experiences of those on this board. And this was the question I brought in my head to the retreat I just got back from. The retreat was, as usual, a spiritually uplifting experience through and through (despite the cheesy music and calculated altar calls, etc. <---- God can work with this stuff too, miracles do happen!!). Yet, as I was attempting to focus on the Man this weekend, I was continually and directly distracted by, whatelse, a 10-yr-old boy. He’s the son of a campus pastor who, although from a different college than mine, I know somewhat well. I need to wrap this baby up so I’ll cut to the chase if I can: because of my recent thoughts on a possible constructive use for my boylove, I fell deeper in love with this kid than I’ve allowed myself to be in a long time. He doesn’t need a ‘mentor’, and has a fantastic family of his own ... yet there he was interfering with my time with God in my mind. I haven’t even really talked to him either, he saw me talk to his dad a few times but basically doesn't know I exist...there is no logic in this, there never is... I suspect that there is a message in it somewhere, but am confused. Thanks for reading this far, sorry for rambling... (it’s only my life, eh?) PLEASE let me know what you think of my story!! Even if you just respond to let me know you read it, it means the world to this lonely soul. Love, Jeremy |