I've been battling with some odd feelings for some time now and it seems to be getting worse, I'm not sure if what I'm experiencing is considered a normal reaction but here it goes....every time I see a stunning boy I immideately end up becoming suicidal.

Its not just any boy that causes it but only when I see that ideal dreamboy that I fall in love with instantly, I find his beauty so intense that it hurts and makes me want to die, at first I used to rush home and get really drunk but even thats not enough anymore, so I've turned to taking opiates and on ocassions overdosed hoping it would be the end of me, but instead Ive ended up in the emergency room after dozens of failed attempts.

So instinctively to avoid pain I have stopped going outside as I don't want to risk seeng a boy, there have been times when I haven't left the house for months but its only took seeng one cute boy on television to end up feeling the same way again.

I dont understand whats happened to me, it never used to be like this, why I can't find a more appropriate way to cope with the feeling of love, have I lost my senses? do I need professional help ? I am so confused, all I know is that whenever I feel love it instantly triggers a suicidal feeling inside me and just wishing I didn't exist.