Shattered Dreams
Submitted by Ben on 2002-06-18 20:46:48, Tuesday
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Dear Fellow CBL'ers, I feel like I am hitting the bottom in my life. The winter has been depressing enough, losing my girlfriend (the one hope that I had in this world of living a normal life), losing some friends who are moving away and realizing that I am no better off today than I was when I first converted, is causing me to really lose hope in life. I so believed the promise in Jerimiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord , "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. " I so believed that Jesus really could change my life....that God would remake me into the likeness of his son. But as the hopes pass away, I am left with the same old BL. As spring turns into summer, the only pleasure in my life is hanging out at the pool with a bunch of eleven year olds, and hopefully getting a little 'group picture' in, before everyone goes home. I am obsessed with beautiful boys, obsessed with being around them, talking to them, watching them, and admiring them. It is much more about idolatry than sex to me. Boys are absolutely everything, the perfect creation that blows away the most beautiful women out there. Yet, I really believed that God would change me, that life would be different. Now I am confused. On one hand, the bible, and other Christians, tell me to keep faith and to stand strong. On the other, BL friends tell me to 'just be myself'. My tendency is to do the latter....and there has been a time in my life when I felt okay about it. But now I don't feel that lusting after twelve year olds glorifies God. I watch my siblings and friends all get married and have children, while I just keep living the same life....frozen at twelve. And as I get older, it feels weirder and weirder. And lately I just want to quit.....quit on God....quit on life. I feel like there is NO hope. Well, sorry to sound so depressing. You guys are about the only ones who I can be truly open with....who can truly relate. So, thanks for listening. You are not alone. Love, Ben |
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