I hope you can help
Submitted by John Doe on January 24 2001 10:03:40
| I'm not sure that I am in the right place. Am I christian? I was raised going to an Episcopal church, and currently attend a catholic church, but I have never had a "rebirth". I try to live by the moral principals of the bible, although I must say I have deep issues with some of the stuff in Liviticus. I do my best to keep Jesus's second commandment to love my neighbor, but as for loving god with all my heart and soul, I don't know. I still at times have my doubts about his existance, but try to live my life as if I know he does exist. I am not however writting to get into a theological argument. I am writting this because I am a boylover. More spicifically I am a boylover who has been found out by my wife, and now my marrage is to put it lightly, on the rocks. I have never acted on my desires, and tried to channel them into a productive closeness with boys. I just jerk off for realese of the other part. I have engaged in some role play things on e-groups, and that proved to be how my wife found out. Now I am faced with my darkest hour. My wife sees me as a monster, and I am faced with the very real possibility that I will not only end up divorced, but never get to see my kids again. My three kids I do love with all my heart and soul. Now when I tuck them into bed at night, I have to wonder how many times I will be able to do that again. When I hug my 4 yo, my wife is questioning my motivation, and each hug has to be as if it is the very last one I will ever give him. How will my kids feel if I am no longer in the picture. Will they feel abandoned, even though I have absolutly no desire to abandon them, I face the prospect of being forced out of their lives. this is the darkest hour of my soul, and yet I feel I have no one to turn to, no one to discuss my feelings with. I cant call my mom, or my dad, or my brothers about this. they don't know that my primarry sexual orientation is toward prepubesent and pubesent boys. I have never done anything to harm a kid. I work to be close to them. I coach my kids soccer and help out in coaching wrestling. i am a den leader. I have always felt that I was the sort of guy a kid could come to to talk and for good advice. I love kids, especially boys, I keep my lust for them in check. My wife feels used, a in some respect she is right. i married her even though I was not totally sexually attracted to her. I wanted to have a family, to have kids, to have that link to immortality that only haveing children can bring. Our marriage up to this point has been more cordial than intimate, more of a partnership in living together than a spirtual bonding. Now that is gone. I need someone to talk to. Please help. |
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