Had more to say...
Submitted by Screwed Up on September 27 1999 at 14:09:50
In reply to First Post Submitted by Screwed Up on September 27 1999 at 13:51:35
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I'm balling my eyes out right now. Why? I dont really know where to begin. First and foremost, I blame my attraction to boys (and men) on the molestation that took place involving me and some guy who lived in our trailer park during my 8th and 9th year of life. I realized at 15 or so that I like other boys, then as I got older, my age of attraction didn't. For a period of 3 or 4 years, until I was about 18 or 19, I had molested [in their sleep only] a handful of boys to satisfy my flesh. Shortly after that, we started going to a full gospel church and I met Jesus Christ in a very personal way. Since then, nothing in my life has changed. I have been playing the christian hypocrate. Paul said it best when he talked about "....doing things he hated doing..." etc. For over ten years now I have tried and tried to break the chains that are holding me captive to this sin, and I have failed, miserably every time. I have been, and am still angry with God. How can he sit back and watch someone who wants to serve him as much as I do, suffer with this plague? And I do. I want to serve God with every fiber that is in me, but I cant win the battle over the flesh. It might be easy for one of you to say, "Just stop doing it." Yeah right. So, this plague now has affected a life's worth of self esteem, and is slowly destroying my marriage. I cannot even think of my wife during intimate moments anymore. It's always a boy. The boy from next door, my own GODSON! or even my best friends 6 year old. I need serious prayer....but more than that, I need a P R A C T I C A L suggestion to help me even on an hourly basis. Please help Screwed Up |