twin concerns
Submitted by F.O.D. on November 25 1999 at 03:31:08
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There's something I want to share about. I haven't really talked about it before, not from this angle. I've mentioned my YF E before, but those who have been listening might also remember his younger brother Y. Both are my YFs, I love them both dearly, I love them equally dearly. Or is it equally? It feels sometimes like it is. That is the question, or part of it. How do you quantify my love for them? How do you understand it? The truth of the matter is that I "fell in love" with Y first, and later grew to love E as much, if not more (is it more?). Y was always so simplehearted, I felt it was enough to love him and hug him and that was all he needed. I'll help him along now, and he'll grow, fall in love with some girl, get married, get a normal life. E was more complex, you could go deeper with him. What did he mean that time when he said "Maybe I won't get married...". What did he mean when he shared, embarrassed, "My dream is to be with you..." But as the months continue rolling by I look back at them through my memory and I start to wonder. Did I underestimate how much I meant to Y? When he said to me that time "but you're coming again tomorrow aren't you?" (but I couldn't), when I called him recently and wished he was here, and he said quietly solemnly "that'd be excellent", did I catch a sigh in his breath? If only I had held him close just a little bit longer... but the months continue rolling by relentless Likely I was right. Y will fall in love with some girl. Likely E will do the same, if only to fit in with his society. These questions the future will bring but my question today is a different one. How can I be in love with two boys? Can it make sense? what sense? What sense "the two became one flesh" when I am in love already with two, and that counts three? Can I say to E "I love you forever" and say "And I love Y too"? Can I tell Y to stay with me, and add that E will be with us also? Oh, they are children, I will love them as their adult, as adults do love their children but suppose, all other matters settled, we could come together in comsummation, I with the one, then which one? What, then, for the other? Surely not as three! It never worked for Jacob. I know no solution to this dilemma. Is there one? How do the hetero's solve it? I'm sure it is not a rare phenomenon. Could I choose E and be sure of Y's contentment? Perplexed and in love. F.O.D. |