It has been years since I have posted here. I kind of forgot about this place, though it was quite the saving grace back when I found it. Nothing much has changed since I have left so far as my inclination towards boys and understanding of the reason behind it.

In case you are interested, I have known these feelings since I was no more than 12. I came across many times during my teenage years where I had to fight with every breath to keep myself from committing suicide.

From the time I was in high school, I spent hours at libraries poring through psychological books desperate to learn the reason for my feelings. As the internet grew I put the same effort into studying why it was that I was this way throughout the web.

I became so frustrated reading study after study concluding that this "condition" was a result of wanting to hold power over a child. Or wanting to recreate what happened as a child (I was never molested or active with anyone as a child).

These "case studies" that would produce overwhelming evidence that "pedophiles" were unable to have deep adult relationships (especially sexual) and resorted to children, who they could control, was just sickening to me.

I wanted to scream at my TV or computer every time these stereotypical allegations were hurled by "special analysts" on tv shows or in articles.

You see, from the time I was about 18, I had become pretty sure of a self assessment that I had put together for why I was this way. However, no matter how hard I searched, I could never really find anything else to support it. It stemmed from the fact that I pretty much had no father figure around, and more to the point, no father figure in my life that showed me any affection.

Just the other day, while doing light research on the subject, I came across a paper that had an analysis of the psychological factor behind these feelings. The very definition it gave sent shivers up my spine. This is the first time in my life I have ever read these words when they were not coming from me. I lost my breath with how exactly it pinpointed the very assumption I had all along.

I know it may not seem like much of a big deal to many of you, but to have this theory of mine finally validated with, at least, another mind that also happens to be in the psychological field, has just blown me away.

Please do not think that I am trying to indicate that anyone on this board, but myself, is under the same situation or reason for being how they are. I am simply sharing this with you as a discovery I have made for myself in my own journey.

The source of the following quote may not be appealing to some, however I had no idea the source at the time I was skimming through it after finding the link through google, and again, I am only telling you what I have found to be my particular case.

"Psychoanalysis recognizes the child abuser as typically an immature man who wants to "give love" to a boy which he did not himself receive in childhood. He makes a narcissistic identification with the child, seeing him as an idealized version of himself, and perceives himself as giving the same love which he wishes he had received from his own father. Thus the pedophile cannot understand that he is inflicting emotional damage. "
Link


Now, I am not happy, in the least, about the words "child abuser" here because I have never abused a child, and never will (and I'm not using the "not all sex with children is abuse" thinking here, I am talking generally). However, if you replace "child abuser" with boylover(at least in the way that I personally am) and take out "narcissistic" (which I guess could technically be correct) it almost sounds exactly like what I have been saying about myself for years. Well, all except for that last sentence. I think I am blessed that I CAN understand the emotional damage it would cause, and that is the very reason I have never been inappropriate with a boy.

I tried to find more on this site but it is really just focused mainly on homosexuality.

Is this something that any of you have come across in other literature, and if so, could you please link me to it? Perhaps there is a lot more out there with this same idea and I just have not been fortunate enough to find it.


Thank you and God bless.


RF