Not sure...how am I doing??
Submitted by GCFBoi on December 06 2000 02:28:25
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OK, I don't know how I am doing here, or how I fit in... Don't know if I am welcome as being both gay and a teenboylover at the same time (as if those are two different things. Are they? Not for me). Don't know for sure if it matters to anyone whether I think of myself as a man or a boy, though I myself and all my friends still think of me as "young"... I don't know whether I should be presuming to talk about boylove, when I am not attracted to prepubescent boys, or heterosexuality, when I am not straight. I don't know if my Christian beliefs are in line with anyone else here or not. So I don't know how anyone feels about some of what I've said... I don't know if I should be this honest, when I clearly have the potential to offend people by doing so. I can't decide what is the more important Christian virtue here, honesty, or deference to the conscience of others who disagree with one's opinions. I don't know if it makes sense to anyone here that I am a recovering sex addict, who is fully aware of the harm that sex can cause in bad relationships, and yet I still believe that sex can be used in good healthy ways too, regardless of sexual orientation, and I still am thankful for my sexuality for what it is. I don't know if I have made it clear that, while I believe it is a smart thing for people not to have sex when they are not in love and committed to their partner, I think it is just fine if people who ARE in love have sex, assuming that doing so is not going to put anyone in danger. I don't know if I have made it clear that I believe that the reason why boylovers need to be celibate most of the time, is because of society and the laws, and the fact that a sexual relationship between a man and a boy needs to be on the boy's terms, and that it takes a lot for two people to get to the point of really being in love...and NOT because there is any difference between boylove and any other sexual orientation...I don't think there is. I feel like there are so many people with differing opinions on this board, that I don't know if it is OK for me to say what I really think, or if I will just end up offending everyone. So please, if I am offending you, tell me, so I can understand. That is why I waited so long before saying anything. I will stop posting, if I am not helping. But one last time I want to say what I really think. The kind of discussions that occur here cut right to my heart. As much as I admire and respect people who are fully aware of the dangers and potential for harm that sexual activity can have in SPECIFIC situations, when REAL PEOPLE hurt each other using sex, I must say this: there is nothing wrong with sex, AT ALL! Human sexuality, and the desire for sexual relations, and even the actual sexual relations that occur between people (assuming they are LOVING), ARE NOT WRONG!!! This is a board for boylovers, isn't it? Is it distasteful to discuss the role of sexuality in relationships here? If you were only attracted to boys in completely non-sexual ways, would you even be different from all other adults? Isn't being a boylover, a sexual orientation? Isn't it? I'm sorry, I did not think that I was saying things that were inappropriate for this board, but now it seems that whenever someone wants to talk specifically about sex or sexuality, they get shot down. I am not encouraging anyone to go out and have sex, but what I am trying to say, is that each person needs to figure out what they believe about that for themselves, and then stick with their own beliefs. I have figured out what I believe, and OFFERED it, as one OPINION, but I also made it clear that you could take it or leave it. Just because I have chosen celibacy for the present time (not necessarily the future, I may change my opinion on that, if I meet the right man), does not mean that that is necessarily right for EVERYONE ELSE. Just because I believe in God, does not mean that I think God expects us not to use our own minds and hearts to discern what is appropraite for us as individuals. God gives us guidance in the Bible, and through prayer, but he also gives us freedom to make decisions and choices for ourselves. There is a balance here. Sex is not bad, it is not pathological, it is not sinful. Sex, as a concept and a created thing, is morally neutral. It is not wrong, and there is nothing inherently good about sex, either, when it is divorced from human feeling and relational meanings. Sex is like food, or water, or gasoline. It is just a THING. It only takes on a moral context when it is USED somehow. But the desire for sex, that is to say, sexual feelings, are a motivational force that compel people to be in relationship to one another, and being in relationship is what love is all about, indeed, what Christianity is about. I don't like it when people say that there is something so dangerous about sex, that it must be contrary to God's will. God created it! Sexuality did not result from the fall, and it is not because of sin that we have sexual feelings. It is what we do with our sexual feelings, once we have them, that determines whether they are good or bad, sinful or not sinful. Yes, people can be raped, abused, seduced, or prostituted. People can commit adultery, and use each other for shallow one-night-stands. And so on. These things can all be very, very harmful. I should know, it happened to me!! I am not ignorant, please, don't think I'm ignorant or stupid. But having a core belief that sex is so dangerous, so as to think that just talking about it, or having feelings, is like "playing with fire", makes the problems of sexual immorality worse, not better. The way to deal with fire is to understand it, and use it wisely, not to be afraid of it. If the cavemen had been too afraid of fire to use it, we would not have civilization. Am I too liberal for this board? I am a Christian, and an evangelical one at that, but I am liberated with regards to my sexuality. I am theologically conservative, but politically liberal. And I am something of an activist! I am not liberated to DO things that are wrong, but liberated FROM things that are wrong, liberated from FEAR and SHAME. I am liberated to DO things that are RIGHT, including enjoying and being thankful for my sexuality and using it wisely. Overcoming sex addiction for me, was not about repressing my sexuality to make it go away, but rather it was about HEALING it, so that it could be used for good again. Would I be better off at BoyChat? Or just going back to the gay community, and leaving the boylove world behind? I really wanted to do what I could to help boylovers, since I know some in real life, and I like them, but if you are not ready to accept the basic goodness of sexuality, then maybe I shouldn't be here on this board. I appreciate JimF3 and mvanhouten and FreeSpirits, because they say things that I agree with. Maybe, sometimes, I think that the people on BoyChat or the various boylove websites are a little to eager to discuss the sexual aspects of boylove, but honestly, I would rather err on that side of things, than on the side that says "sex"="evil". Many adults LIKE children! But what makes a boylover, is the sexual component, right? Am I wrong? Thinking that sex is evil INCREASES the chances that people will engage in lust and abuse, by creating fear and shame...it does not reduce it. It's just like prohibition--it didn't work for alcohol, and it doesn't work for sex either. But if I am being too offensive, inconsiderate of the opinions of Christians that are more conservative than I am, then I will be happy to shut up, and not say any more. I don't want to offend you, but I would like to share my thoughts with boylovers who want to hear them. Some gay youth like me, actually like both older and younger guys, and frankly, I know many gay teens who would benefit from a healthy relationship with a caring older man. And even if that included sex, if the boy was old enough, I think it would be OK. I know teenboys right know who are dating older guys, and those are good, healthy relationships. Just because those boys are in the range of 16-21, doesn't mean that, theoretically, it couldn't work with younger boys as well. But if you don't want to hear what I have to say, then I will be happy to go elsewhere. Though I am an evangelical Christian, I am not a fundamentalist, and there is a big difference for me. My experience has been that fundamentalist beliefs are harmful to sexual minorities, and that they just make people feel bad unnecessarily, and I want to have the freedom to say that. Sorry, I'm just sharing my opinions again, not trying to force anyone to agree with me, but I want to talk somewhere that I can be honest, and not have to water it down. |
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