Thoughts
Submitted by Jules on August 16 2001 17:45:33
|
Dear all, Just a few thoughts in case they help anyone, and I suppose also as a way of introducing myself to those who've arrived here in the past year since I was last around very much. Finding this place was a great plus for me a couple of years ago, fairly soon after a problem incident with a boy. What I'm going to talk about is perhaps one of the ways that I think I've moved on a bit from the time when I caused that sort of problem, but it's to do with God's grace rather than any effort on my part. Is being a boylover a major part of your sexuality, or is it just a small part of a wider range of sexual feelings? Why do I ask? Because maybe there's someone here who has experienced boylove in the same way as I have and for whom asking that question will help you discover more of yourself than you knew before. When I thought that boylove was the only part of my sexuality, I had to hide all my sexuality, and so I was liable to offend when it came to the surface. Now I've realised a wider sexuality, I am learning to be a sexual being in socially acceptable ways, and am much less likely to offend. But to explain it properly, I'll have to go back a few years. When I was a teenager I was attracted almost exclusively to other boys, so naturally I thought I was 'gay'. When you're a boy, there's no distinction between that and being a 'boylover'! I you had asked me if was 'gay' then, though, I would have denied it, simply to avoid admitting to being something that I believed to be wrong, from a strict Christian upbringing. By denying it even to myself, I also allowed God no part in my sexuality as I was growing up. Then as I passed into adulthood (at least in terms of years, if not in maturity!) and came accross the term 'boylover' I began to see a difference between being 'gay' and being a 'boylover', and to identify only with the latter. I know some people here don't make the distinction, but for me it has been significant over the years, although less so now, as I shall explain. I find myself totally unattracted to much of what is called 'gay'. The thought of two hairy, adult men (sorry to anyone who fits this stereotype!)being attracted to each other is quite a turn-off, and I've never had any attraction to hairy men myself. (Of course that's not a moral judgment, just a personal feeling.) The thought of a perfect, smooth, teenage boy, however, is just the opposite. In fact I'd put boys and men at the opposite end of the spectrum in terms of sexual attraction. My order of attraction goes like this: 1. Boys. 2. Girls. 3. Women. 4. Men. (If you've never done a list like this for yourself, you may find it helpful!) I've talked here with Forgiven about this before. I know he has talked about getting round the problem of being attracted to underage boys by increasing your 'age of attraction' until it's over the legal age. But my initial reaction to this was, Why on earth would I want to try to find men attractive when at the moment I don't! Why on earth would I want to move from a sexuality that is rejected by the whole of society only to arrive at one that is still rejected by most of the church? Surely it makes more sense to shift my attraction towards women, and please everyone! Of course, I only think that way because of the order of my list above. Anyway, enough of that. What I'm really leading up to is the realisation I've had more recently that my sexuality is actually quite broad. Much broader than I'd ever admitted to myself. Having spent a lot of energy on defining myself by my attraction to 1, boys, and my non-attraction to 4, men, numbers 2 and 3, girls and women, have slipped through the net. The fact that I have sometimes found a girl attractive has been totally suppressed. And that has been to deny the full breadth of my sexuality. I've spent so long trying to tell myself that I'm not gay, that everything else has receded into the background. And it's been bad for me, I've been unbalanced. But now after years of telling myself repeatedly, "I'm a boylover; I'm not gay," it's finally been very liberating to discover that actually I am attracted to some women. In fact the more I think about it, the more I realise that there have always been girls that I've liked. Not passionately, not with burning lust (except sometimes), but liked, none the less. Somehow this had been ignored. Plus the fact that now I'm in my 30s, there are actually one or two over-18 'boys' that I do like a bit after all! Instead of having to tell myself, "They're really boys rather than men because they look so young, so I'm still not 'gay'!", I can admit to myself, "Well, use what label you like, but I really like teenage boys, and some a bit older." I'm no longer worried about what label I use for myself, or rather I'm no longer worried about what label I deny! One of most important things that has led to this has to be discovering in practice the loving acceptance that God shows through other Christians. My whole approach to the Christian faith has changed over recent years. It used to be a religion of correctness, almost a religion of fear: God will accept you as long as you believe the gospel properly and don't go off and commit some terrible sin (like homosexuality). That's why I was so preocuppied with denying that I was 'gay'. But that's all wrong. We have to realise what the cross shows: that there are no conditions. We can just rely totally on the character of God revealed in Jesus on the cross: totally accepting, 100%. I'm so blessed to have landed in a Christian fellowship where there are no pretentions, no moral superiority, just a loving family community reflecting what God is like. They put into practice so much of what I learnt recently studying theology, but without knowing it! (Just thinking about it now makes me want to share more of what I've learnt, but that will have to wait for another time.) Anyway, all this has finally allowed me to admit to myself, "What would it matter if I am gay?" God would still love me. All those years of denial were for nothing. Ok, so I'm still not attracted to 'men' but if there is that occasional cute-looking 18+ year old, I don't have to deny it to myself anymore! And I've been released to discover my interest in women as well. It's something that was there all along but ignored. Maybe it's not as strong a feeling as I have for boys, maybe it never will be, but at least I've realised that it's there. I feel more in touch with my whole being. I think it's what psychologists called being 'integrated' - not having any barriers between one part of one's personality and another. I'm sure someone else here knows a lot more about the psychology of all this, but I just wanted to share my experience so far, as a way of saying "Hello" and "This is what I've been through." The journey continues. And it's a journey towards the character of God seen in the face of Jesus Christ. And this forum has played its part, so thanks to everyone. With Christian love, Jules |
Follow ups: