Being a BL is a huge disadvantage when it comes to love, friendship and fulfilling desires of the heart, boys don't need you as much as you need them, even though a boy may have so much to learn from you and you may be a great mentor, once you drift apart it is so much more easier for a boy to move on and to find new friends whilst your left hurting and realizing how precious it was the time you had together, and when or if you will ever meet another YF. For us such occurrences are scarce and difficult to come by. Because I realize all this I end up enslaving myself to be used by the few YF's I have had in my lifetime. My YF's easily work out who has leverage in the friendship and its not long before I end up being tossed aside feeling emotionally exhausted, drained and unappreciated.

I have not had many friends in my lifetime let alone YF's. It feels like the majority of my life has been spent just longing for a a boy. I have so much love to give and in return all I ever wanted was someone to appreciate me and love me....

So when I met my first YF , a 13 year old boy who I became good friends with, I felt so blessed beyond description that I wanted to show him how much I appreciated him, so I spoiled him rotten. I catered to his every need and desire treating him like a prince, I bought him whatever he wanted and took him to wherever he wanted to go, I showed him so much emotional support, love, encouragment, respect, offering him my full attention, time and appreciation whenever he need it.I tried to be good mentor and an influence in his life, but sometimes this kid was a bit aggressive, argumentative and stubborn and just to avoid conflict I always showed tolerance and let him let him have his way. Out of respect and fear of losing such a precious friendship I never once said anything inappropriate, and even though I wanted to hug and kiss him I avoided such physical contact and respected his personal space. For 2 years he came around almost every weekend for sleepovers but then suddenly one day he stopped coming over or calling. I rang up to see what was happening, he told me excitedly that he was now in a gang and had made some new friends whom every weekend they would go to house party's with, take drugs, drink and get into fights. Obviously all the good values, morals, kindness and respect I had tried to teach him had failed. I tried calling him as the weeks went passed so we could hang out again but he was no longer interested in being friends, I felt so hurt used and unappreciated...

Years later I then met another YF, a cute 12 year old boy whilst I was playing basketball, he became my best friend stealing even more of my heart then the previous YF, he showed signs of appreciating me, telling me he loved me as his best friend, I became fully lost in our friendship feeling like we were the same age but it wasn't long before he started hurting me. He would forget about the plans we had made such as going to the movies on the weekend, he couldn't even remember to hang out with me., his forgetfulness was like a dagger in my heart because it made me feel worthless. Soon after telling me I was his best friend he then wouldn't bother call me for several months, When I would question him why he hadn't bothered he would always say he forgot. Occasionally when we did talk on the phone he would act really cold, only saying a few words but then the next time I saw him he would be all friendly again before acting all weird and cold again. I had not yet had experience with a person as moody as him, it took me a while to figure out it was his puberty and hormones effecting his character but every time he acted cold I would question if I said something wrong or did anything to upset him even though I know I didn't.

For 4 years I endured that sort of treatment from him, but whenever we did hang out all did was just give and give, attending to his every wish, I invested so much of my energy showing him my appreciation, idolizing him and all he did was take. He is now 16 and he is still acting as moody as the day I met him, even worse actually. He has on occasions sent me into depressions and grief when he has toyed with my emotions and friendship with his odd and neglectful ways. Just recently he has a new girlfriend and hasn't even bothered to return any of my calls ever since, I feel like I have now lost him too. If only I had a different sexuality I wouldn't have to settle for such one sided friendships where I enslave myself to please these boys and allow myself to be used. Ive only ever expected a bit of appreciation and their presence in my life in return for all that i give which they cant even seem to fulfill.


In the past months I had spiraled into severe depression and drug abuse, I attempted several suicides which failed and I was wishing to die everyday, not just the thought that my YF's could be so unappreciative but also that goods thing never seemed to last and always finding myself back at the same lonely place and this whole difficult situation being a BL puts me in.

During one of my bicycle trips down to the local store for some food recently saw one of the most gorgeous boys I have ever seen. Bright blue eyes, dark hair, slim athletic figure, perfect skin , cute little nose and in all an absolutely flawless and adorable boy. I couldn't keep my eyes off him and as I was riding past he complimented me saying "nice bicycle" I stopped and made conversation and surprisingly we hit it off immediately, in fact we had surprisingly so much in common. I bought him some ice cream, we exchanged numbers and came home and prayed to God asking that he let me and this boy be friends, and how much I need him at a time where I was in so much pain and ready to kill myself. I thanked God for allowing me to come across one of the cutest, most amazing boys I had ever seen or imagined. Because I was so attracted to this boy I actually promised God that I would never say or do anything inappropriate or intimate with this boy if God ever let us be friends. I wowed that if I ever acted out of place God could take him away from me as punishment, Then a few days later he ended up calling me and since then we have now become best friends, I feel like my prayers have been answered and unlike any other YF I have ever had before he is actually the boy of my dreams both physically and with his wonderful, kind and appreciative character. He is everything I could have ever asked for, we have so much fun we cant seem to get enough of each other and time flies, he has made me forget about the other unappreciative YF's, but I am concerned that I may be setting myself up for some more grief in the upcoming years. I am more afraid then ever of being hurt or separating from him, because of my promise to God I am even afraid to have sexual thoughts or fantasize about this boy in case I violate my promise somehow and God takes him away from me. If I don't hear from him for one day I get really depressed and If for any reason he stopped hanging out with me I feel that I wouldn't hesitate to end my life.

Having a super cute YF is not at all what I hoped it to be, in fact its tormenting, whenever I look at his face my heart melts and I want to kiss those luscious lips of his, it shreds me inside that I can never be intimate with him or ever express my real love. Many times I find myself asking him to repeat what his saying because I keep getting lost in his blue eyes and lose focus of everything else. I can never say no to anything he wants and I find myself spoiling him more than ever. I never thought i would say this but I almost wish I had never met him because his beauty hurts me so much and the horrible circumstance of being a celibate BL in a world where such intimacy is morally, religiously, legally and emotionally inappropriate and unacceptable on many levels is somewhat heart wrenching. I have never put any of my YF's in a difficult situation or ever done anything inappropriate with them. All my YF's have been heterosexuals with absolutely no interest in male intimacy which makes it easier for me to uphold my moral stance. But there have been times when I have wanted so bad to be able to hug, kiss and cuddle with these boys but I have no other choice than to continue suppressing my sexuality around them. I can see its going to be even more painful with my new YF but I am certain I will not shift especially when I also now have a promise to God to uphold. My biggest fear now is that I hope new best friend doesn't end up hurting me the same way as my other YF's because I don't think I can cope with another ungrateful parting. I would appreciate any advice on this matter.