First Post (Part 7) -- looking for a cure (LONG)
Submitted by FeelingDirty on August 28 2000 07:00:16
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Knowing all the things that I know about myself, I would never allow a boylover to befriend one of my kids. Boylovers have a sexual attraction toward boys. They look at boys and pictures of boys because it makes their flesh feel good. Oftentimes this isn't enough and they feel the need to get closer -- they make friends with the boy, take him places, spend the night with the boy, sleep with the boy. These temptations are very tough for the boylover to overcome. He may reach out to touch the boy as he sleeps. I've seen some of them admit to pulling down a boy's underwear while he was unaware. Why? Because the boylover has a very difficult time keeping himself in check and being satisfied with merely being a friend to the boy and nothing else. The boylover often feels the urge to take it a step further -- to gratify his fleshly desire, which comes out of a sexual attraction for the boy. Ted Bundy confessed that his urges started from looking at pornography and that he had to take it a step further each time, getting more and more sick -- ultimately raping and killing beautiful young girls. This is similar to many boylovers -- they feel the urge to go further and further. But by the grace of God, they never show their sexual attraction for the boy, but merely display their love and concern for him, wanting to help and protect him. But many boylovers seek to satisfy their needs to get closer and closer to boys, becoming more intimate, and having sexual relations with the boy. This is wrong, and I'm tempted to write another 18-page letter describing why it is wrong. In one sentence: It hurts the child and it hurts one's relationship with God. So, what is a Christian boylover? It sounds like an oxymoron. How do the two words fit together? I, myself, was confused the first time I heard the words, "Christian boylover." I'm sure many people define it in many different ways, but I can only speak for myself. To me, a Christian boylover is a person who feels a desire to love and care for boys, and tries to do so in accordance with his/her relationship with Jesus -- the Jesus of the Holy Bible, who came to earth, walked in the flesh, was crucified as the sacrifical Lamb, died, rose three days later, and now sits at the right hand of The Father waiting to return to the earth as the Lion of Judah, King of Kings and Lord of Lords. If other Christian boylovers are anything like me, they have had a lifetime struggle against their sexual desire for boys. If looking at a boy's body makes one sexually aroused, then that's wrong. If looking at nude pictures of a boy excites oneself, then that's wrong. Sex is a gift between a man and a wife that ultimately leads to having children of their own -- continuing the process of life. This cannot be done between a man and a boy. There is a huge debate over this issue, and I'm not going to try to attempt to end it here. Basically, a boy is to be nurtured and discipled, mentored and guided, protected and cared for -- not to be used for fulfilling one's own selfish desires. Selfishness is sin. We need to continually check our motives. We may not have the right to judge our hearts (many boylovers have a good heart, I presume) but we do have the right to judge our own actions and the actions of others if they are not beneficial to those they affect. I am ashamed of my sexual feelings toward boys. I know there is a root cause for it back in my past somewhere, but the choice has always been mine whether I purse these desires or not. I believe it sin for me to act on these desires, so I do the best I can to not pursue them. It is a huge battle. It's become a habit for me to admire good-looking boys, and most of them are good-looking to me. I often feel the need to look at pictures of them, even nude pictures of them. I sometimes feel turned on when I see pictures of boys doing things with other boys (not men), and this makes me feel dirty. I enjoy watching kids' movies. To me, they are a lot of fun. I enjoy the innocence, and I hate the thought that boys must grow up and lose their innocence. I enjoy listening to kids' music -- even the syrupy pop music that most young kids listen to. The feeling behind the music makes me feel good -- makes me feel like a kid, I suppose. I don't fully understand these feelings -- why I enjoy watching kids' movies and listening to kids' music, and I often feel guilty for it because I know there's also an underlying sexual feeling associated with the other feelings I have concerning boys. I've been looking for a cure for a long time. I'm often afraid of being alone with a boy. What if I don't develop a strong relationship with the boy before I'm alone with the boy? Maybe I won't feel so concerned about him and I might touch him inappropriately. What if there comes a time when my sexual urges get carried away and I do decide to act on them? A lot of my ministry in the church has included youth activities. I'm very good at relating to kids and mentoring them. Others have told me this. Boys are often drawn to me, even where I work. Somehow they pick up from me that I understand them. In this way, it's like a gift, but how can I honestly use this gift for ministry knowing that I have yet to overcome my sexual attraction for boys? I've stayed out of ministry for several years now because of it. I wouldn't want a man who is sexually attracted to other males (whether men or boys) to have any kind of influence on my boys (if I had any) -- so why would I place myself in a position that I wouldn't want another boylover to be in? It's not a safe place to be when sexual attraction is involved. I honestly don't feel I can be involved in any kind of youth ministry until I overcome these feelings and/or have a wife that knows this side of me and keeps me in check, never letting me be alone with boys. Many times, these feelings overtake me, and I follow them. I search out sites and pictures on the Net -- it's too easy. And then when I've sexually satisfied myself with the images, I feel so dirty. I feel like a loser. I often have feelings of suicide -- I figure it would be safer for others if I were no longer in this world. I also fear for my nephew. I don't want to do anything to him. It's almost as if I become more than obsessed and become possessed -- like something overtakes me and I can't do anything about it until it reaches what it looks for -- sexual gratification through boys. I could never see myself acting out sexually with a boy, but I sure don't feel confident enough about myself to not get into a situation where it might possibly happen. Like I said, it gets to a point where I can't control myself, and I have to follow through with the feelings. Who's to say that I won't take it one step further and possibly emotionally and mentally scar a boy for life? If anyone out there thinks they have a cure for me, I'm willing to listen. Please write to me at the e-mail address below. In fact, writing this whole thing out has helped me a lot. It put things into perspective about where my thoughts and feelings really were. This is good therapy. I would eventually like to build a website where I tell my story and help other seekers find a cure. There's a good book by David Wilkerson called The New Covenant Unveiled. I feel that the answer might be in there. I'm going to try it. But I know from my past that I have had these feelings even after being baptized by the Holy Spirit and seeing miracles happen. Maybe the thing is to surrender it all to the Holy Ghost -- let Him live entirely through me. It's tough. I've tried almost everything but suicide, and I know that suicide is not the answer for Jesus says that the "overcomers" shall inherit the Kingdom of God (Revelations chapter 3, I think). I want so desperately to be an overcomer, and I believe the Holy Spirit will make me one if I allow Him to make my decisions for me and live through me. In conclusion, I broke up with the boy's mother. We had taken our eyes off of our relationship and let things fall apart. Our arguments used to be one a year, then one every six months, and then one every month, and then one every week, and then one every day. I kept postponing the wedding date. I had to leave. She later begged me back, "I need you. My son needs you. You were meant to take care of us both." I loved them both. I gave it another try. It didn't work. She took back the nice things she said, and I couldn't stand to watch our lives fall apart anymore. It's a long story, but I've written enough already, so I'll end it here. Was she ever aware of my sexual attraction for her son? Somewhat, but not to the point that it concerned her. When we got in arguments, I would spend more time with her son than her, because it made me feel better. A couple times she would say something like, "Are you in love with my son? Sometimes I feel that you love him more than me?" She was picking up on something, so I tried to keep my feelings in check. The fact is, I did like being around her son more, but I knew I had to act differently if we were going to make it as a couple. I tried hard to be a normal heterosexual male for both her and her son's sake. Was her son ever aware of my sexual attraction for him? I think he knew something, but he liked the attention and the way I took care of him so much that he was more aware of my love (not lust) for him than anything. One time he was lying on the couch, not doing anything, and I walked into the room and looked at him. He was wearing nothing but white denim shorts. His skin was tan from the summer sun (he tanned easily) and his skin and golden hair just seemed to glow. I had never seen a human more beautiful. I looked at him and pictured him when he was younger and noticed the difference now. He was growing hair on his arms and legs, and his muscles were starting to show. He watched me watching him. He asked me, "What are you looking at?" I said, "Just noticing how much you've grown." I had lived with him for many years, and we did many things together. He was a very good friend of mine. And as long as I viewed him as a child of God and saw myself as a mentor and Christian leader in his life, I never followed through with any sexual temptations I may have had. It upset me that he was so good-looking that girls were constantly after him -- not that I was jealous of them having him -- but that I felt he was too good for them, and that he should only share himself with a very special girl that was worthy of him. Anyway, it's been two years since I've seen him. It's been a long time since I've talked to him on the phone. I write him letters every so often to encourage him in his Christian walk. One time he wrote me back and said he'd never forget me. He said he remembers every thing I taught him, even when it looked like he wasn't listening to me, he was. He said, "You've told me things that I will never forget, and I know I've told you things that you will never forget. I think I may see you again sometime." I've spoken with his mother several times. I've helped to pay her bills so that the children will be okay, and I gave them two cars. I remembered birthday cards, Christmas cards, and presents. The kids never write or say thank you. It hurts. Their mother has told me several times, "I thank you for what you've done for me and my family." But I haven't seen any of them in two years. Being away from them has been the biggest heartache/heartbreak in my life. I deal with it almost on a daily basis. I just wish there was some closure, and I wish I could still be their friend. But I know that she has moved on to other relationships, and she doesn't want me to be a part of their lives anymore. I often feel that my heartache comes from not being appreciated for the unconditional love that I gave to her family. But then I question myself whether or not it really was unconditional love. Would I have been as interested in this boy's family if not for my own interest in him? Would I have been interested in him if not for my sexual attraction for him? What's so unconditional about this? I've read other boylovers who keep talking about their unconditional love for boys. What makes it unconditional if you're getting involved in their lives to make you feel better? Are you really concerned about their welfare if your desire to care for them stems from an underlying sexual attraction for them? I often wonder about these things and feel that her son and I are both better off if we never see each other again. My focus needs to be on the Lord above anything else. I can't afford the distraction -- the wages of sin is death. I pray that my story has helped someone else, and I pray that someone is willing to help me, preferably an ex-sex-boylover or a non-Boylover. I'm really not looking for anyone to make me feel comfortable about my sexual feelings. I know many of you think it's okay to feel this way. I don't agree -- it makes me feel awful to be tempted in a way that would hurt a boy. If someone has the cure, please share it. I am "Fundido" (pronounced: phoon-deedoh) \\ fundido@my-deja.com // ==== Public Domain ==== I think it's important that these experiences be shared as much as possible to help others become more understanding to these struggles. ******* EXCEPT ******* These words cannot be attributed to anyone but the author, and cannot be made part of a book for the purpose of making a profit without prior consent of the author. Contact: fundido@my-deja.com |
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