Loneliness
Submitted by Ben on January 17 2002 21:31:58
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Hello All, I have, as maybe many are following, been digging as deeply as I can into what I consider to be sexual addiction. While I acknowledge that I am a pedophile (meaning that my sexual orientation is towards children...boys) I do not conclude that a boylover must be a sexual addict. It is highly likely though. Anyway, my addiction is to sexual fantasy and masturbation, fortunately not to actual sexual acts. This aside, I believe that my addiction is destructive to me and enslaving. One of the understandings that I have come to is that an addict medicates their emotions instead of dealing with them. Just like an alcaholic might drink to medicate anger or sadness, a sexual addict also medicates something. It's been very hard to figure out what I medicate with my addiction as there wasn't that much in my childhood that needed to be medicated. I was a pretty carefree kid and was never abused. It has only been recently, in my relationship with TJ that I have become aware of the emotion that probably has plagued me more than any in my life. That is loneliness. As a kid who was small and not great at sports, one who was sometimes made fun of, one who didn't have his dad around to really encourage him or talk to him, I think that I was lonely. As I hit puberty and longed to be close to other boys, I denied those feelings knowing that they were wrong. As I grew older, I medicated my desire for closeness with fantasy....a quick fix for the feelings. And then I would move on. Even as I read tigris' posts, I can relate to his feelings of not wanting to part with Kenny. I feel that way about TJ and have about other boys in my life. The fact is that TJ completes me. I feel whole. I don't need to masturbate when I am close to TJ. I also don't need to do it when I am around my girlfriends son. Even though he is younger than my interest level, he is a boy, is loving, is a warm body that falls asleep in my arms feeling safe. I wonder how many other BLs out there, can boil elements of who they are down to loneliness. The COURAGE website that was pointed out was all about building relationships among gay men. Exodus International, the organization devoted to help people become straight, for those who so choose, also bases some of what it does on forming healthy, non-sexual relationships between men. So, these are my thoughts for the day. I am thinking about you all, and praying. You are not alone. Love, Ben Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,[10] who[11] have been called according to his purpose. |
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