A Plea for Help
Submitted by Huck Finn on November 11 2000 13:21:16
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I by no means have regressed to my past stage of life. My life has been a rollercoaster ride... Ups and downs here and there... But my spiritual life? well, it's quite interesting. If you don't read any farther, I understand. But here is my plea. Pray for me. I need a church home. I need a fellowship of believers. Perhaps even someone who knows about my BL tendancies. But here is what's happened in my life. I'm a teenager myself. Not for long. But a teen none the less. My life has taken 2 extremely drastic changes in the last three years. In January of 1998, I rededicated my life to Christ. You see I wasn't a "Christian at all." I had accepted Jesus as my Savior but not as my Lord. I was gay and proud of it. God made me that way and therfore I had no reason to change. I didn't know it was a sin. I just knew he "loved me no matter what I did." I was into pornography, chat rooms, erotic stories, and I tried SO hard to meet another boy my age or younger (I was 15 or 16 at the time) to have sex with. That's all that mattered in life. My one friend and I would talk for hours about how we needed a guy. Good thing we were not attracted to each other. Otherwise I would have made a mistake. Well, on january 20, 1998, I went to a camp and heard a sermon about a colelge student who "stood up for Jesus!" And this student's testimony changed my life. I told my youth leader that I was gay and proud of it. I couldn't stand living the way I was anymore. I needed to tell someone beside my friends at school. She looked at me and said, "Oh Huck... You know the Lord thinks this is wrong?" and she proceeded to show me what the Lord had to say about it in a very loving way. I explained to her my philosophy and the HOly Spirit convicted my heart. Living a homosexual lifestyle is a sin. Pornography is wrong. Trying to meet people to have sex with them is wrong. That night I dedicated my life to Christ! And it started a HUGE journy! WEll, I ended up going to that camp that summer as a counselor because it was a childhood dream to be just like my camp counselor. WEll, my dream came true. And I met so many wonderful kids. At this time I struggled everyday with homosexual urges but asked the Lord every time I got those feelings to take them away and I'd verbally tell Satan to STOP! To leave me alone! I would say NTS! and I'd tell my campers about these three letters. Just like WWJD (which was EXTREMELY popular then) it mean something yo ushould say when stuck with trouble or temptation... "Not Today Satan!" In Jesus's name be gone! :-D What great power we are given my the Lord? To rebuke Satan and his demons in the Name of Jesus Christ! I fell in love with my campers. all of them it was a pure fatherly love that I would love my children with. I loved them so deeply I cried for days when they left. But there was one boy I felt attracted to... but those feelings waned. ANd that's the first time I can remember being really attracted to a guy who was over 4 years younger than I was. For a year until September of 1999 I was strong and on fire for the Lord!!! I can't express to you how on fire I was. How many children I was able to help know Christ. I went before the Throne with so many children and helped them become Children of God!!! It's the most amazing experience in your life!!! I mean that... Think of it this way: You're holding hands with a kid and close your eyes and approach the throne of the Lord. You pray with him. You invite him to ask the Lord to become Lord of his life and forgive him for his sins... If that boy really meant what he said, You know that when you open your eyes, He's a child of God. When you closed your eyes, he was lost... but when you opened your eyes he was found! Angels are singing because you showed a little boy the love of Christ. And then you helped him EXPERIENCE it first hand! PRAISE GOD!!! Well, here's the hard chapter. I went to college. I loved it. STill do! But I went to a college close enough to home so I could go to the same church I've been established at. I was getting some awesome pre-seminary training because I was toying with the idea of becoming a youth pastor or Senior pastor. Well, I was really doing some great things. I was writing litergies, leading worship services, leading praise and worship, co-leading a Jr High youthgroup, teaching a second grade Cadet (awana like) program. I was there 6 out of 7 days a week! I was loving it! But everyone doubted me. They all said, he's goign to burn out. I would always say, "NO It's being done in the Lord's strength! Not my own." And it was. I don't know how I did it. One day I started feeling out of place at my church. I felt the presence of Satan whenever I stepped in the church. The pastor seemed cold and evil. I hated it there. I couldn't sing there... I couldn't sing praises to God. So I started to play trumpet instead. The congregation LOVED it. I would play trumpet with the Organ. It was great! But I still hated listening to his Sermons. They felt empty. Relevent but not heart felt. I talked with some friends (youth leader friends) and ended up feeling called to a new churhc to help them out with a youth program. Nothing was final. I just wanted a short leave so I could do it. See if it was TRULY God calling me there. I was sure he was telling me to get out of the old church as soon as I could. Well, I met with the Pastor and the Board of Elders and the Elders were all very open and caring. One felt very hurt by me wanting to leave. But he said he's support me. The pastor on the other hand-- as someone told me afterward-- spiritually abused me. He told me, "You don't know what God is telling you to do. You need to listen to me! You have it good here. You need to stay here!" I was dumb founded. They prayed over me and all I could do was SCREAM inside yelling, "LEAVE ME ALONE GET AWAY FROM ME!" I felt so scared and full of hatred. How could he tell me that "God is wrong I am right!" Practically shouting it at me. I can't leave! He also said in that meeting, I garuntee you will fail. What a great encourager huh? That must be his gift! This whole thing sent my life into a tailspin! I had no clue what to do! I lost all sense of direction. I hated Church. ALL churches. Not God... but church! I slipped into a depression. I didn't want to go to school. I hated everything. I stopped reading my bible and I was reduced to finding happiness anyway I could. All I wanted to do was be happy. So I found myself doing the only thing I could remember giving me any type of pleasure I could remember. Pornography. Erotic stories. On March 1, 2000, I confided in someone that I needed help. WE'll call her E. I felt alienated at school. I go to a christian school. Not that I was hated... I was loved... but I just didn't like people at the moment. I had plenty of friends... but I didn't trust any of them because I couldn't trust anyone except my mother who knows everthing about me including me being a BL. That night E and I prayed. I told her I had illeagal porn on my computer. I told her I had BL tendances. I told her that I didn't want to be that way. I told her how I was a great christian witness and how horrible this church bit has been. We became accountability parnters. I ended up falling in love with her! She's helped me through so much. This past summer (2000) I went back to camp. I had a HORRIBLE summer. The worst of my life! In 1999 I had told a good friend at camp that I was delivered from Homosexuality. This had been true! well, he ended up going to prom with one of my other camp friends. They had a great time and he was talking to her mother at 2:00am and the subject of homsexuality came up. And he just mentioned my name somehow. WEll, my friends mother called up camp because her son was goign to be in my cabin and started complaining. I had never done anything except tell my one friend and all this comes up. My boss comes up to me and says, I need to talk to you. So we talk for about 30 minutes. He tells me that there are rumors going around that you are gay. And this and that... and I was shocked... Someone was trying to hurt me! To get me fired. My boss-- praise the Lord-- said, " don't know if they are true, I'm not going to ask you. If it is something you HAVE sturggled with I'd like to know only to help you. But if you wanted me to know you would have said something to me. Besides what happened is totally inappropriate." He continued, "No one spends as much time with the campers than you do. No one cares about these kids as much as you do. I know that. I do not want your ministry put in jeperdy." WEll praise the Lord I thought. But I was still hurt. The summer was so HARD for me. I tried not to do anything questionable. The years before I thought nothing of going for nature walks with kids alone. And talk to them how the Lord is a path for us and if we follow it we'll get to where we need to go. OR talking to kids on a boat alone and telling them that could you imagine how the Lord made the whole world out of just nothing. No more sitting on Huck's lap. No more personal hugs in the cabin. I felt trapped. Like people were watching me! Well, for one week I went to another camp that didn't have this restrictions. I talked with kids. I shared with them. I prayed with them. I hugged them. I let them sit on my lap. I loved it. When I came home, I found a church home 40 minutes away from where I live. It's a nice church. But still, making a 40 min drive is hard on me! Besides I've only been able to go there 2 times since September because of college commitments (choir and band and stuff like that). On September I met a new YF! A great kid I'll call J. J is my roommate's brother. So I go home with him EVERY time I can. He thinks it is so cool that his brother (11 years old) and I are buddies! He and I just have a great time. I find happiness in him. So much joy as most of you know how it is to have a YF. E (my accountability partner) and I have become much closer. WE've realized that we're supposed to be more than friends. We have not "labeled" ourselves as bf and gf. But we know that we love each other. I plan to propose to her soon. Perhaps during the Christmas Break. My music (I am getting a degree in Music Education so I can conduct choirs) is going great! I've been so blessed... But one thing is missing. A solid church home! I Loving church body! a place I can partake in Holy Communion. A place where I can go and let the walls of my heart fall down and praise the Lord. So now that you know me, please pray for me. I need a home. I don't know how I'm going to get it. It really hurts. I don't know what to do. I can't find a church. I am sort of stuck at this church that is 40 min away because I said I'd do the youth group. I know I could talk my way out of it. But I don't know if I would want to. It's really hard and it really hurts. I don't want to let people down. But If I can't do the ministry I need to do, then what good am I really? God Bless you my friends. Thanks for reading. Huck Finn |
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