The Mirror of Erised
Submitted by J on February 11 2002 00:34:04
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The happiest man on earth would be able to use the Mirror of Erised like a normal mirror, that is, he would look into it and see himself exactly as he is… It shows us nothing more or less than the deepest, most desperate desires of our hearts… However, this mirror will give us neither knowledge or truth. Men have wasted away before it, entranced by what they have seen, or been driven mad, not knowing if what it shows is real or even possible… It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live, remember that. Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone, pp. 156-57 I liken the Mirror of Erised to this board. Obviously, since I am not the happiest man on earth (far from it), when I came here last November, I did not see myself exactly as I am. Instead, I saw myself in the same situations that many of you are in – with the grounding of a deep commitment to the Lord and celibacy, intimately involved in the lives of boys in order to help them. I certainly have not wasted away by seeing this, but rather been driven mad by the sight of it. Not by not knowing whether it would be possible, but by knowing that it will never happen. I had my chance four years ago and I blew it. While God forgives sin, He does not wipe away the temporal consequences of our actions. In my case, I can never again get involved in the life of a young boy and that leaves me feeling really lonely and depressed. I admit that there is a great deal of jealousy buried under all of this. I am jealous of those of you here who do have a young boy in your life, who are making a difference in his life, all the while honoring God and making the right choice to be celibate. At the same time, I harbor much anger at some of the comments made here, such as “I would never cross that line” and “Thank God, He has always kept me from being sexual with boys”. Not that I think there’s anything wrong with stating how you feel or thanking God, it’s just that when someone thanks God for their daily bread, there is one who has gone without; when someone thanks God for healing them, there is one who was not healed and just died; when someone thanks God that they are able to be with boys and not cross lines, there is one who has crossed such a line and been to prison for it. When I became a Christian, I was alone. The one who had led me to the Lord (my dad) died, I was not allowed to attend a church and fellowship. Yet I loved the Lord and stumbled after Him. I turned the other cheek as I was bullied, beaten up and made fun of, I gave to anyone who asked, I shared the gospel with whomever I could and suffered more rejection and loneliness because of it. I was honest and subsequently betrayed, I was forgiving and subsequently taken advantage of. I asked questions about the Bible and knocked on numerous doors, yet I was ignored and had doors slammed in my face. I attempted suicide, reached out for help and was told by ‘Christians’ to go to hell. I have often asked myself where the hell God was during all of this – carrying me in His arms as the famous poem ‘Footprints’ suggests? Despite His omnipresence, it seems while my young friend was sitting on my bed after his bath, giggling and asking me to touch his ‘number one’, He was off helping some other BL resist a similar temptation. Despite His omnipresence, it seems while I was being herded in shackles into a 3x3 cage of a correctional van, He was off watching another BL and his young friend kick a ball around an open field. Despite His omnipresence, it seems while I was being assaulted in prison, He was off blessing the evening of another BL and his young friend as they snuggled up and watched a movie. Despite His omnipotence and omniscience, it seems when I finally got up the courage to begin talking about the abuse I suffered in prison here on this board, He was off leading the other board members in a holy flame war. If anyone cares, the post I’m referring to, which has since passed into old posts without response, is linked below – first paragraph. Don’t bother responding to the issue now; I have no desire to talk about it anymore. I stopped posting here last month after it became obvious that the post either hadn’t been read by anyone or if it had, that no one could care less about it. Then there were the brush off’s by several members of the board. I would never be so crass as to single you out publicly, nor will I hold my breath that those of you whom I’m speaking about even know I’m talking about you. Quite frankly, I don’t give a shit anymore. Then there’s the never-ending sense of loneliness I feel even among BL’s that I’m an exclusive pedophile, unlike the majority (dare I say all?) of the people here who have some modicum of attraction to adults, be it men or women (or both). Must be nice… All of the above compounded together has driven me into quite a deep depression and for the first time in three years I’ve been seriously contemplating suicide. Fuck, I mean if you’re a homosexual pedophile like myself and don’t fit in and/or are ignored on the Christian Boylove Forum, there really is no hope for you. Not to worry, last time I was suicidal like this I reached out to a ‘Christian’ for help and after he, as any loving ambassador of Jesus would do (note the dripping sarcasm here), rejected me, I tried to slit my wrists and when that didn’t work I tried to hang myself. Oops, I feel as though I’m contradicting myself here… I’m not really sure what the whole point of this post is besides just letting everyone and their dog know where I am in my life, venting all the anger, sadness and frustration I’ve been feeling over the past little while, and to provide a formal goodbye. Seriously not to worry though, I won’t make a fourth attempt on my life, I figure God will save me again anyway (how presumptuous of me) in order to keep me around and torture me some more – there’s really no point in trying. In my absence here I have and will be devoting my energies full-time to evangelism elsewhere on the net and building relationships with non-BL Christians – who knows, maybe one of them will be able to help me (I won’t hold my breath though, I fully suspect they'll run for the hills when they find out I'm 'one of those'). ‘It does not do to dwell on dreams’ and sticking around here the past few months has done very little to make me feel any better about my situation. I suppose I will miss the freedom of being able to come here and talk openly about how much Haley Joel Osment rules and boys rock, but really, I don’t fit in here and it just depresses me all the more as it’s companionship with a boy I desire more than anything, and it’s something I can never have and, whether rightly or wrongly, I can’t bear to read about others enjoying the deepest desires of my heart. May God take care of and bless you all. In Christ, Lonely J |
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