boylove = a love that lasts a lifetime
Submitted by Splash! on October 19 2001 03:00:11
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I wrote this in response to an e-mail I got from someone asking what's changed in my life/views since my first post here a year ago. I thought some of you might be interested also. Besides, it could make for good conversation/contemplation. ~Splash -------------------------------------- ...At the time, I was brand new to the "boylove" community and really felt I had to share a lot to help others understand some of my views. I was really surprised to get the warm understanding welcome that I got. You asked me if I had some of my questions answered. I'm sorry to say, not really. However, I've learned NOT to fear other boylovers as much. Most of us do have a genuine concern for the boys with whom we come into contact. I think boylovers make great teachers, mentors, youth leaders, etc. But, I'm still concerned about how much self-control these same people would have if a boy stayed the night with them. What happens when it gets dark or when we go home? Unless we're actively involved with teaching a boy a subject (like math or English), a Bible study, a sport, or whatever, then what happens? I think there's a part of us that enjoys "flirting" with boys as a test to see how much they really like us. Unfortunately, some of us measure "like" by how sexual a person responds to us. We might think, "If a boy shows that he's sexually interested in me, then he must really like me," and then we might take it a step further to justify some kind of sexual interaction with the boy. I doubt that sex is really what either one of us wants from the other, but for some reason we might go ahead and settle for it. We take what we can get? Or maybe the immediate endorphine-rush is a lot more pleasurable to us than waiting to find out that we made a life-changing impact through our work (or friendship) with a boy. Boylovers often scare themselves with their thoughts: “How can I think such a thought? I can’t risk being around a boy if I can think of doing something like that!!” When I first started writing that 7-part post, I felt the same way. I didn’t think I had any business being around boys if I was struggling with having lustful thoughts about them also. It made me question whether I really cared about the boy. Maybe I was deceiving myself. Maybe I really wanted sex with the boy but instead I decided to settle for the more socially-acceptable mentor role? You countered this with: “Does the sexual attraction we feel for boys come from the love and caring we have for them? Is it just a way (perverted as it may be) for us to feel close to them?” I think your questions are closer to the way I feel now. I believe boylovers have such a great passion and concern for boys, not because of sexual desire but because of life’s circumstances (beliefs, experiences, etc.), that the passion we feel will often manifest itself within us as a sexual attraction or urge. Maybe it’s a chemical change within us. I’m not sure. I haven’t done a lot of research in this area yet, but I wouldn’t be surprised if chemicals and hormones like testosterone, adrenaline, and endorphines were released to make us feel some kind of sexual arousal toward the things [boys] we are most passionate about. I think it does a great disservice to both the boy and mentor (teacher, friend, whatever) if the adult is afraid to get involved in an adult-minor relationship because of some sexual feelings he may have toward the boy. Who better to help a boy than someone who is passionate about helping him? As long as we maintain self-control over that part of us that MIGHT get out-of-control and harm the boy. I’ve read so many testimonies of boylovers who have been able to maintain self-control and work beautiful wonders in a boy’s life. Occasionally I’ll hear how someone messed up. But we, especially we as Christian boylovers, have A LOT going for us. We do have a moral foundation. At least, I believe, we have the resources to more accurately judge wrong from right than most others. And, not only is it us, but it is God working through us that is able to accomplish the greatest good in a boy’s life. Our task is to keep that line of communication (flow of power) open between God and us, to strive for holiness, to maintain self-control, to be sobered by the awesome responsibility and position of authority we have in a boy’s life, and to make ourselves available to be used by God in the areas where He has directed us. I often think about, “Why do I love being around boys so much? Why is it so easy and fun for me? Why do boys always seek me out to tell me things? Why do I know so much about the way they think and act? And why am I here in the middle of them?” It must be a calling. This must be my purpose, or at least part of my purpose for living. I should be thankful and make the most of it. I agree with you when you say, “But I think we can achieve an unselfish love for boys if we put their needs above our own.” Many would ask us to define “unselfish love” or define “[putting] their needs above our own.” As Christian boylovers, I think we have a better understanding of what it means to do this. If our motivation to be around a boy is based on sexual attraction, are we loving him unselfishly? Or are we around the boy because he excites some kind of pleasurable sensation within our flesh? What about our spirit? And his spirit also? What are we doing for him that is unselfish? What about the ugly-looking boy who sits alone in the corner and has no friends? Are we also reaching out to him? Why or why not? It’s very important that we check our motives and seek to achieve an unselfish love for boys by putting his needs above our own. I guess I accomplished this somewhat with my YF. I was MORE concerned about his spirituality than I was concerned about my sexuality. I was his spiritual teacher MORE than anything else, and I tried my best NOT to lessen that relationship. I think I succeeded. Even when he sees me today, his thoughts go directly to his spirituality. He’s definitely not the little boy I once knew. He’s well into his teenage years. His main obsession is girls, and then maybe money and cars. He doesn’t think as much about God as he used to do. I saw him a few months back and he told me that he didn’t pray that much anymore. I asked him, “Why not?” and he was silent. Just shrugged his shoulders. I talked to him for almost an hour. And then within the next couple months, I saw him two more times. The last time I saw him I told him, “I hope you’re making wise choices with your life.” He smiled. Then I asked, “May I shake your hand?” We hadn’t touched each other in a couple years. He said, “Yeah.” I shook his hand, and when he tried to pull back, I gripped a little tighter and shook a little longer. He smiled. “Take care of yourself,” I said. I walked away. That was it. Just think. How weird would it be to see a boy a couple years after having a sexual relationship with him? How weird would it be to have a young man thank you for the blow job you gave him when he was twelve? What did you accomplish by doing that? Why would he thank you for your sexual interest in him? How much better to be thanked for the eternal interest you showed in him -- to be thanked for the life-changing effect you made in his life! Sure it’s nice to show a boy that someone likes him, but it’s so much more powerful to have made an eternally fruitful impact on a young man’s life -- something that becomes a part of him, a way of life... something that helps direct his choices, thoughts, actions for the rest of his life without you having to physically be there coaching him every single step of the way... because now you are in his head... or better yet, you have shown him how to rely on God who’s in his heart, mind, and soul to help him overcome life’s obstacles and to talk to him when his mentor isn’t able. A true boy-lover loves boys with true love. Don’t be afraid to find out what it means to truly love a boy. It really is a love that lasts a lifetime. Splash |
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