Hello
Submitted by Lonely J on November 25 2001 05:21:17
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My heart is breaking, slowly ripping in two, for great is the void where loneliness makes its home; I am forced to walk this earth alone, and every step is a solitary print in forgotten sand. Companionship eludes me, I long for loving embrace for no arms of comfort have wrapped themselves ‘round me; but I will continue to hope in the LORD. How long must I wait in this empty silence? Each passing year I grow more solemn and bitter, O LORD, hear my cries for in You I have placed my hope. Alone in my room, cuddled up with a pillow, suffering silently as the world carries on, O LORD, you are my only hope. Endless tears rolling gently down my cheeks, they fall into rivers that empty into an ocean of pain; loneliness is my only friend, he never leaves my side: I long for someone to end my misery. ***** I posted a poem in my first post over on BoyChat back in 1997, so I figured I would do the same here. This particular one I wrote in 1999 while in prison and reflecting on Genesis 2:18 and Lamentations 3:19-33. For those who don’t frequent that board, I posted there for a little over a year (1997-98). I was 21 and looking for support after years of depression and numerous suicide attempts – all stemming from my attraction to prepubescent boys, or rather the ramifications of living with it in a world where it’s not welcome. After my first suicide attempt, I sought help for my depression at a Christian counseling center – only to have the counselor trick me into having one of our sessions observed, lie about it and then tell me I was going to hell if I didn’t stop thinking about boys sexually. Shortly after that I came out to a Christian friend at work, only to have him tell me to go to hell. My second and third suicide attempts came shortly after. Thankfully, God spared me each time, though I admit sometimes I wish He hadn’t and simply taken me home. The reconciliation of my faith and my sexual orientation has been a long and problematic journey. I suppose it hasn’t ended, even though I feel it has at the present time. Perhaps discussion on this board will change my mind once again, perhaps not. At any rate, I am glad that such a forum as this exists and I look forward to sharing with, listening to and learning from all of you. Sincerely and God bless, J P.S. - It appears as though the nick 'J' (the one I use over on BoyChat) is taken, so here I'll revert to 'Lonely J' which I used for a while there as well during some periods of deep depression. |
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