to All and Sundry
Submitted by F.O.D. on June 25 1999 at 17:50:50
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Hi all, looks like the board got busy while I was away :) I was away for a short while, and I want to share with you a little of what happened there. Last year I decided I need to find some other way of dealing with my homosexual feelings, something more constructive than sticking my head in the sand and waiting for them all to go away. My appearance on the boylove support sites is a part of that attempt to learn to turn my homosexuality into a positive force, through which and in the light of which I may be able to honour God. I saw it as a kind of hypocrisy that I do not know any gays, not one! (except for one ex-gay whom I knew for only 2 weeks) If I, in experiencing gay feelings, know the complexity of feelings and issues a gay man faces, how could it possibly be a good and right thing to never extend that understanding and compassion to others trying to come to terms with being gay? Paul writes in 2 Cor 1, "He helps us in all our troubles, so that we are able to help others who have all kinds of troubles, using the same help that we ourselves have received from God." This long introduction is, of course, just an attempt to justify why I visited a gay café while I was away ;) I never had been to a gay café before (note, I write "café", not "bar", as in non-sleazy, not that the distinction really means all that much). In wandering around exploring the town I was visiting, for the first time I happened to walk by one. Over the next several days I visited there again several times, slowly getting to know the locals a little. It was kinda wierd meeting people in real life who didn't think I was completely strange for liking other boys. They had maps of the town listing other gay cafés and suchlike, so I took a copy and went to see what these places are like. As it turns out, and as one would expect, I suppose, some of the gay bars (or pubs or cafés - I visited maybe half-a-dozen. No clubs though. I can never see the point of paying $15 to enter some noisy, stinking hole that I'll hate) were nice enough, and some of them were damn sleazy. Some of the people would stare at you like a lump of meat, some you could actually have a normal conversation with, others still would just ignore you, implicitly accepting your presence. One guy I met looked so much like YF#2 (now 22yo), it was incredible! Same appearance, same age, same mannerisms. I kissed him when we parted, was I supposed to not admit to that? It was weird, I felt almost like I was kissing my YF himself. Maybe it was just as well I was only visiting. Things could get confusing if I did become friends with the guy. Now for the moralising. The question, of course, is what place does a Christian have in visiting gay bars? I submit that he has much in every way. Firstly, as far as temptation goes, there's no more temptation for a gay Christian visiting a bar than for a straight Christian visiting a straight bar, which some do, and think nothing of it. I mention this to put the whole thing in perspective. The behaviour of other Christians does not, of course, justify one's own behaviour. But I do wonder, are not the potential friendships to be made with other gay people real friendships? Do we hide from friendship? Is isolation from other human beings - especially those with whom we share an empathy - really the way one leads a holy life? I think John Guard's thoughts about grace, about how Jesus would walk his life were he amongst us today, are very relevent. I shouldn't trivialise the dangers. A lot of guys out there are only interested in your dick, and you also have to face your own lustful desire to give it to him. But I don't think this potential danger can justify avoiding gay people altogether, as most of our well-meaning brethren would recommend us. How do you communicate your love for God to other gays? That's an open question for me. I tried talking about the tension in my life about being gay, saying most people I know think it's just wrong. But the guys I talked to about that weren't very sympathetic, they basically replied "well screw them then, and get on with your life!" What, reject all of my friends and all of my family? Well, they didn't seem to think it would be all that much of an ordeal - their friends and family mostly continued to accept them. But maybe their friends and family aren't religious. How can I be honest about my concerns over what God thinks? They wouldn't understand or appreciate that. There were a couple of boy-moments (no, not in the gay bars), I'll write about them at BoyChat sometime. I did see one boy (as in boy) in one bar, and I want to talk about him. He was with an old man (as in old, maybe even my dad's age). He looked 16, though he was supposed to be at least 18. He was beautiful (I think he knew it, too). I really didn't know what to make of him and his old man. I mean, here I was, face to face with a boylover, even if his boy was (maybe) legal. Was it really a BL relationship? Or just some ancient chickenhawk with his boy prostitute? I don't know. I didn't "feel" authentic love between them, but do you always have to be able to tell? The guys I was there with were convinced he was a prostitute ("money solves everything..."). What do you do in that kind of situation? I talked to the two of them, they were in fact very happy to have someone who would talk to them with respect. The youth had a confident air when you talked to him, worldly-wise even, the old man was shy, sad. They asked something about me, my life, my being gay, I answered "well...it's sorta...complicated", meaning the tension with my RL friends and faith, whether gay sexuality is ultimately OK. And the old man understood. I think he must be married. When they left, my YF#2 copy, whom I was there with, followed them out - he was pretty drunk - and asked the boy how much he costs. Good grief! The youth insisted it was love, that he was not for sale. I think, I wish I could could know more about them, get more involved in their life. The old man carried a pain in his eyes. No one should ever have to live in shame and self-hatred like he does. Apologies in advance to all those true boylovers out there who don't appreciate being identified as gay ;) My love to all, Fod Afterword: I my YF#2 copy a back and shoulder rub. He liked that a lot. "Better than sex," he said. |