What do you do when you fail?
Submitted by Dakota on 2002-07-7 12:02:47, Sunday
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Something happened last week that I need to get off my chest, and I certainly can't tell anyone in the r/w about it. I was on a trip for business (as usual) and was walking back to my room late at night after getting something to eat. A young man approached me and asked for a handout because his rent was due and he didn't have enough to pay it. Of course I don't know if this was true, but he didn't look like he lived on the street or was seriously into drugs. He was neat, clean, and relatively well groomed. Besides that, he was cute as hell. Blond hair, blue eyes, slight build, you know what I mean. Even though there were telltale signs that showed he was over the AOC, much about him was still very boyish. I gave him $10 and walked on to my room, even though he hinted that he would be willing to do anything I wanted for a little more. I sat in my room and brooded about what happened and what I was feeling till I gave in and went back out to see if he was still around. He was. I told him I was gay and asked if he was willing to "keep me company" for awhile. I'm not really gay, since males who look like adults don't interest me at all, but telling him I was gay was easier than explaining I was a pedophile. He readily agreed, so I took him back to my room. No sex acts were actually completed by either of us, maybe because I was trying to justify that if the act wasn't "consumated" it wasn't as sinful. But there was still plenty of sexual contact. Strange how one tries to justify sin. But I wasn't all that "horney" anyway. I just desparately needed to be physically close to someone who I could easily pretend was a boy. Now I am left with trying to deal with it. Yes, I'm truly sorry I sinned, but it's left me with a lot of guilt and even more doubt. You see, even though I'm sorry I sinned, there's still a big part of me that's glad it happened. It's been so very long since I've been close to anyone. I thought I was dealing with that ok, but I guess not. For the all too brief time we were holding each other and stroking each others' backs (and other parts), I was in bliss. We talked, we hugged, we carressed. It was heaven. How can I expect God to forgive me when I can't help but be partly glad it happened? And I'm left with the doubts of what I would do if the situation occurred again. Two of the three reasons I refrain from sexual contact were not there, and the third reason apparently wasn't enough. He knew what he was doing and had done it before, so there was no danger of harming him emotionally. He was over the AOC, so it wasn't illegal. So it appears that just not being what God would want me to do isn't enough to keep me from trying to fulfill my physical, and even more so emotional, needs. What a great testamony, huh? I've often said, and I think I believe, that God doesn't rate sin as one being worse than another. So why do I feel so much worse than if I had perhaps said an unkind word, or not told a cashier that she undercharged me? And how am I supposed to reconcile what happened, and more importantly, how I FEEL about what happened, with my so called commitment to God? What do you do when you know it's wrong, but do it anyway? What do you do when you DON'T do what Jesus would do? What do you do when you fail? Dakota |
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