I am ruined
Submitted by Genghis on 2003-03-6 06:09:02, Thursday
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Today I was betrayed by my best friend. I have known this friend for four years. I live in a house with him and two other roommates. He knows that I am a BL. Tonight, I was surprised that our youth pastor came over to join us for dinner. Afterwards, while all of us were seated in the living room, he said to me, "What I am going to tell you is going to come as a shock. I hope you'll be able to forgive me. I've told our housemates and youth pastor about it. I felt that it was the only way to help you." What came was not just a shock. It was the most horrible realization, that the friend whom I had come to trust and confide with for four years, who knew that "BL" was my most closely guarded secret, had decided to tell several other people without my knowledge. It was the worst betrayal I have ever encountered. My friend, J, and I first met four years ago while we were freshmen in college. Through several circumstances, some of which I deeply regret, he discovered that I was a BL. He is a most devout, conservative Pentecostal Christian, the kind who vehemently believes homosexuality is wrong for example, and that God did not make us this way for a reason. All homosexuals (and BL's) can "change" - it is God's Will - and all you need is very strong faith that God will change you. God does not want you like this. It is wrong and sinful. In the past four years we have become very close friends. We would, from time to time, have BL/Christianity discussions, with him trying to convince me his ideas, and vice versa. For a long time neither of us agreed with each other. But I thought it was OK - it is good just to discuss it. However, I made it extremely clear to him that I want no-one else to know. Only he knew, at that point, of my BL orientation. Then when Junior year came, we brought in a third person as our housemate. Unbeknownst to me at that time, my roommate decided to tell him about my BL, for "his safety". Then we invited a fourth person to share an apartment with us for senior year, and J told him as well. When I discovered this today I was deeply, deeply hurt. Tonight, J told me that he thought the only way he could help me was by telling several other people - namely, our youth pastor and senior pastor, my roommates, and a couple other trusted friends. He said he did this for several reasons. He had discussed with me for over three years and I never switched to his opinions. Now, he sees how close my young friendship with B got, and he is afraid for the child and afraid that I might molest him. Because I go and stay over at B's house often. He tried to warn me to not stay over at B's house anymore. Of course I refused. The temptation may be too strong, he says. There's a reason why men and women do not sleep in the same room before they're married. You never know what the Devil might do, and temptation is too strong to resist sometimes. It is not worth the risk. There are so many things I want to say but it's so hard to write it all down. I feel - the worst you can imagine. But I'll try to go on. I told him that you can believe what you want to, but it ABSOLUTELY GIVES YOU NO RIGHT to tell other people my deepest, darkest secret. He has urged me before to seek help with our pastor and a couple other close friends. But I always told him NO. Because the risk is not worth it. The risk of other people knowing and letting the word spread. It would ruin me. Now it HAS ruined me. I told him the story of Nate, our moderator. How, not too long ago, he came out to his pastor and a few other church officials. He did it because he thought he could trust them, but in the end it turned out extremely badly. It ruined him and his reputation. And I told J the same might happen to me. He says that the risk was worth it. It was worth the risk, rather than to risk B, my YF, of being molested. I don't know what to say. But that's not the worst thing he did. As some of you may have read from my previous postings, I have grown very close to my YF, B. Lately I have been feeling very, very depressed, because I know I can never get as close to B as a normal guy can get with a girl. I can never "marry" B or express my love to him as I truly do. And I know that B will never feel the same feelings for me as I do for him. I was in a very upset state for several weeks in February, and J knew. I talked with him a lot during those few weeks. Finally, finally, I said to him, I will try your way. For three years I have been steadfast in my position that God must have made us this way for a reason, and we can't change. But I don't want to remain this way. I want to love someone deeply and not feel ashamed about it. If the only way to do so (and the Biblical way, too), is to be heterosexual, then I want to try to change. I'll pray and have faith that our Father God will grant a miracle and change me. J was estatic. For years he has tried to convince me that change is possible, now I am FINALLY succumbing to his opinion. I have a very sincere heart for God, and I yearn to know Him better, and everyday I prayed to God to let a miracle happen. Of course, such things do not happen overnight - it might not happen for years even, but I had faith in God. That was one month ago. Then tonight, he said to me that all along my two other housemates had known. And that today, he had told our youth pastor and senior pastor, so that they could try to help and support me. I tell him that the point is not receiving help from well-meaning people. The point is that you betrayed me in the worst way you could have. He maintains that it was the only way he could think of, to "protect" B. I tell him, if you have done this a few months ago, at least I would have understood your motives slightly even though I would have still disagreed with your actions enormously. But now, you know that I'm genuinely trying to change. That I've taken the important first step, putting complete faith and trust in God. And you still had to tell them. It is as if I surrendered to you, and you still had to shoot me. Why!? He says that though I had taken the first step, I still did not agree with not staying at B's house overnight. There were also other reasons, for example me wanting to take B on a week-long trip during Spring Break. And a couple other reasons. And the worst, most scumbag, betraying thing: He says that after discussing with the youth pastor and senior pastor, they decided that this Saturday, they would tell B's parents that I was a BL. For B's safety. And my own (to keep me out of possible temptation). I tell him, FINALLY I am trying out your "method", and still you backstabbed me. I am hurt beyond anything. I don't know what else to write. It is morning now, 6 am, and I didn't sleep at all. J says he meant well. And I'm sure he did, in his own skewed, Pentecostal, Jerry-Falwell way. And I'm serious, not sarcastic. But he had to be so self-righteous, so utterly SELF-RIGHTEOUS, to betray his best friend's secret so openly. He says he knew that I would be gravely hurt. But it was the only thing he could have done. I tell him, you cannot imagine how hurt I am. I would rather NEVER SEE B AGAIN than to have you tell his parents. I would rather NEVER SEE MY DAD AGAIN than to have you tell him (not that he's going to do the latter). That is the extent of my wanting to keep my darkest secret a secret. And it's a secret no more. J is positive that no-one he has told will tell anyone else. But look at what happned to Nate. J says he did this just to "help me". I tell him it is the worst possible thing you could have done. Genghis |
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