Change and Jesus
Submitted by Ben on May 06 1999 at 20:21:43
|
For the past few weeks I've been involved in the battle of my life. As I've come closer to accepting Jesus as the son of God, I've been challenged by the realization that my boylove is probably sinful, no matter how much I might force myself to believe that it isn't. More specifically, it isn't BEING a pedophile that is sinful of course but it is an pedophillic action (including masterbation) which perverts God's purpose for sex. I realize that this is a very narrow and fundamentalist view, but I fear that if I do not take this stance, then I will lower the standards that God has for me. With this acceptance has come the battle, because I AM a pedophile and fantasy is an absolute way of life for me. The possibility that I can undo being attracted to boys has always been preposterous to me. In years of therapy I was able to reduce the number of times that I masterbated to maybe twice a week instead of twice a day. But I always fought my urges and they ALWAYS came back. With God in my heart I am masterbating only 3 times a week instead of 3 times a day. I do not own a computer that can read newsgroups (by my own design) and I do not visit picture sites (legal ones or otherwise). I have cut out 50% of other sins in my life and it is barely a struggle to do it. I am happy to do it for the glory of God and with the knowledge that my reward will be far greater than anything else I can imagine. God really has already rewarded me a thousand times with the twins. How happy I am to give up pictures and fantasies for the laughs and smiles and hugs of these boys. The problem is that sometimes the temptation (to fantasize about boys) is too great and I know that I will fail. If I accept the standard that I talked about above then to settle for less than that standard in my life seems unacceptable. It is this battle that I am not sure how to win. To water down the standard is to water down Jesus' perfection. Can God accept someone so imperfect as me into his Kingdom? You are not alone. 
Ben |